Love Long Distance

I’m not any good at this dating stuff… Really, I’m not.  I’m SO damn impatient and stubborn, it’s a miracle that even my friends like me, let alone some cute boy who smells nice.

I joke around with my friends often about changing my preferences.  Maybe like a 2-week boyfriend – Someone who shows up once every two weeks, pays attention to me, gives me some lovin’, and then goes away for 2 more weeks.  I’m only half joking, but really I can’t even get someone to be nice to me for one night so how the hell am I supposed to find someone to come back around?  LOL

So how are you?  How are the kids?  How’s work?  Your family?  Is your car holding up?

Not much has been going on.  I have tons I want to write about but I forget I have this thing half the time and then it’s like “shit”.  Sorry to those of you who have dropped by to see what’s going on (Is anyone out there anymore?)

I’ve developed a habit of watching jail shows and reading about the mob.  I always liked the prison shows like Lockup and stuff but they have come up with some more shows that profile the booking sections of local jails, like Las Vegas and stuff.  Some pretty interesting people come through there.  Jail and crime fascinate me; I wonder what types of personalities are out there and what might be going through their heads when they are misbehaving.

And then that got me thinking – Holy shit I’m seriously so non-committal that I don’t even have a TV schedule… you know what I mean, yes?  You know how most people have a certain show they follow and they have to cancel all plans on the night(s) those shows are on… Yeah I don’t have any of that.  If something is on that looks good, I watch it.  I’m not a Glee-tard.  I don’t watch American Idol.  Or Grey’s.  Nothing like that.  If it’s interesting, I stop and watch for a while.  If it’s not, I keep flipping channels.  But yet, I have DVR.  I think the extent of my DVR use is to back up the funny ass music montages on America’s Funniest Videos.  😛

Besides, it’s enough of a pain in the ass to work my schedule around 5 kids; sheesh, I can’t be bothered to know what was on last night.

LOL

Until next time…

Protected: Mommy Dearest

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Day 5- Something You Hope To Do In Your Life

Gah, where do I start?  I have to pick ONE?

I hope to fall in love.  I’m talking about giddy, facebook official, cuddling through the commercials, can’t stop thinking about you, Ell Oh Vee Ee.  Come on now, he’s got to be out there somewhere?

I have worked the personals sites.  I have asked friends for fixups.  I have “not looked for it”.  Where is he?

*Sigh*

Day 4 – Something You Have To Forgive Someone For

Hiatus?  What hiatus?

I have to forgive my mother for sending my brother away when he was 12.  I was a very young kid then, and he was very troubled.  He needed the focus the other family provided.

It devastated me, even to this day.

I have always had it out for my mother for sending him off, although now I know he would not be anywhere close to the man he is today.

As much as it pisses me off that she refused to be a parent, I forgive her for sending him away.  It was the best thing she could have done for him.

Bad Mom

I have a confession.  I have no idea what I’m doing.  I cave when I shouldn’t.  I put my foot down about dumb things.

And Sunday, I yelled at Natalie.  Getting ready to make the trip back to Donald’s; I had been trying to get them to get around for going on a half hour.  Finally, I said ‘Damnit, Natalie.  Get your stuff and let’s go.’   The words left my mouth quicker than I could filter them, and there she stood wringing her little hands with the saddest look on her face.  My impatience was making her insecure.

I feel like a piece of shit.  They have a hard enough time having to live with their dad and his loud ass, they don’t need to come here and have me hollering at them.  It’s supposed to be safe here.

I shouldn’t have lost my temper.

Day 3 – Something You Have To Forgive Yourself For

I wrote a few months ago about being fired – About how utterly traumatizing it was and about how I’m starting to finally get over it.

I have never forgiven myself for getting into a situation to be fired.  I have always thought it was something I should never have had to endure, but because of my foolishness it did happen.

As worthwhile of a lesson as it was, and as far as I have progressed since, I still feel like an asshole for being so stupid.

Really, blogging at work about being unhappy and possibly mentally ill?  Probably not the best idea.

BUT – It’s time to forgive myself.  I have learned from the mistake.  I have progressed worlds beyond what I was.  I have to forgive myself and let it go.

Day 2 – Something You Love About Yourself

I can bring home the bacon, fry it in a pan…

I love that I am able to be self sufficient, even though it’s not fun.  I love that I have been able to survive when the odds were against me.

I love that when it comes down to it, I don’t NEED anyone else.  A tough pill to swallow sometimes, but oh well.  I love that I have a choice and am not tied to a shitty relationship because I can’t bear to be alone.

And I love that I have the bed to myself.  😉

Day 1 – Something you hate about yourself

Day 1 of the 30 Days of Truth project…

I am extremely self deprecating so while I was trying to pick out one thing I hate about myself, I decided to pick on the fact that I can’t pick just one thing.

I hate that I can’t love myself 100%.  I hate that I’m always nit picking and finding faults, even when I should be loving myself and lifting myself up.  I hate that I’m in a constant mode of beating myself up for things that happened yesterday, months, years ago.  I hate that I can’t let go of things.  I continue to beat myself up, constantly.

I hate that I hate things I can’t change.  I hate that I hate things I CAN change but do not have the willpower or guts to change them.  I hate that I preach to everyone “If you don’t like something, change it”… Yet here I sit in my chair, too scared or too lazy to change my own shortcomings or bad situations.

I hate that I find fault in the things I excel at.  I hate that I have to pick every little thing apart and dissect it.  And I hate knowing that someday it might consume me completely.

30 Days of Truth

Motivated by HDW , I have decided to try the ’30 Days of Truth’ project.  Since the 30 days of letters went over like a lead balloon, we’ll try this one.  Mayhaps it will bring me out of my blog fog.

Here is the list of items, if you would like to join as well.

Thirty Days of Truth list:

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Happy reading!!

So Insane

It doesn’t come as much of a surprise to me that I don’t really know how to “like” someone.  My track record of being screwed over by most of the people in my life, even some of my best friends, makes me extremely gun shy.

Having said that, I feel like I go a little crazy when I do find myself interested in someone.  I don’t feel like I think rationally; I go out of my way to try to talk myself down.  Now, me being of the flint-hearted nature, it’s a little disturbing to lose control and to feel that “Ut oh, I think I might like this boy” feeling.  That momentary lapse of reason, so to speak. 

What the hell am I mumbling about?  OK I’ll spill it.

There is a boy, who is a friend of friends (the unhappy people I mentioned before).  He is handsome, funny, stable, responsible, and single.  I spend enough time at the unhappy’s house and he makes a regular appearance; so we have entered the beginning stages of talking.  Stop the presses OMG you can’t be serious, right?  For me, this is a big deal.  I fly the flag of “all men suck and one more bad date and I’m cutting my hair and joining a softball team”… So for me to even have an interest in someone is a miracle in itself.  Another bigger miracle is that I haven’t convinced myself that he’s a serial cheater or one of those boys who won’t call back. 

I’ll cut away here and add that in order to protect the flint heart, I often talk myself out of a situation before it even begins.  I will disparage someone and render them below my standards before I can even make that decision intelligently.  I do this because I have been hurt.  I have been hurt badly, not only by ex boyfriends, but by some family and some friends.  Friends I thought would be there did just the opposite.  Given that it is water under the bridge, it still fucking hurts.  And it makes me nervous and skittish to trust someone.  I feel like I just can’t trust.  I don’t want to relinquish that control.  I can’t.  It’s me against the world. 

That mantra gets so fucking old.  In all actuality, I am lonely.  The “I can do it alone” flag is flying strong, but tattered.  I know I can do it alone, because I do it every damn day.  I’ve had people tell me that I have inspired them; that they use me as motivation to get through tough times.  While that is incredibly flattering and I am humbled by their words, I wonder Why?  If you could look in the window, you would see I really do not have my shit as together as one would think.  I feel like some days I could go crazy.  OK, more often than not. 

So imagine all of this compounded by actual emotion.  Oye. 

Now, back to the boy.  I’m not sure what to do.  I have expressed interest, and have put the ball in his court.  The pessimist in me tells me not to get my hopes up.  The optimist is encouraged and hopeful.  My track record tells me he’s not going to call and I should just get used to having that big bed to myself for a while longer.  Ugh.

While the room spins and the roller coaster comes to complete stop, I sit and wait to see what happens next.  I think I need a straight jacket.