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All posts for the month January, 2011

Bad Mom

Published 18 January, 2011 by itsaheartache

I have a confession.  I have no idea what I’m doing.  I cave when I shouldn’t.  I put my foot down about dumb things.

And Sunday, I yelled at Natalie.  Getting ready to make the trip back to Donald’s; I had been trying to get them to get around for going on a half hour.  Finally, I said ‘Damnit, Natalie.  Get your stuff and let’s go.’   The words left my mouth quicker than I could filter them, and there she stood wringing her little hands with the saddest look on her face.  My impatience was making her insecure.

I feel like a piece of shit.  They have a hard enough time having to live with their dad and his loud ass, they don’t need to come here and have me hollering at them.  It’s supposed to be safe here.

I shouldn’t have lost my temper.

Day 3 – Something You Have To Forgive Yourself For

Published 18 January, 2011 by itsaheartache

I wrote a few months ago about being fired – About how utterly traumatizing it was and about how I’m starting to finally get over it.

I have never forgiven myself for getting into a situation to be fired.  I have always thought it was something I should never have had to endure, but because of my foolishness it did happen.

As worthwhile of a lesson as it was, and as far as I have progressed since, I still feel like an asshole for being so stupid.

Really, blogging at work about being unhappy and possibly mentally ill?  Probably not the best idea.

BUT – It’s time to forgive myself.  I have learned from the mistake.  I have progressed worlds beyond what I was.  I have to forgive myself and let it go.

Day 2 – Something You Love About Yourself

Published 17 January, 2011 by itsaheartache

I can bring home the bacon, fry it in a pan…

I love that I am able to be self sufficient, even though it’s not fun.  I love that I have been able to survive when the odds were against me.

I love that when it comes down to it, I don’t NEED anyone else.  A tough pill to swallow sometimes, but oh well.  I love that I have a choice and am not tied to a shitty relationship because I can’t bear to be alone.

And I love that I have the bed to myself.  😉

Day 1 – Something you hate about yourself

Published 16 January, 2011 by itsaheartache

Day 1 of the 30 Days of Truth project…

I am extremely self deprecating so while I was trying to pick out one thing I hate about myself, I decided to pick on the fact that I can’t pick just one thing.

I hate that I can’t love myself 100%.  I hate that I’m always nit picking and finding faults, even when I should be loving myself and lifting myself up.  I hate that I’m in a constant mode of beating myself up for things that happened yesterday, months, years ago.  I hate that I can’t let go of things.  I continue to beat myself up, constantly.

I hate that I hate things I can’t change.  I hate that I hate things I CAN change but do not have the willpower or guts to change them.  I hate that I preach to everyone “If you don’t like something, change it”… Yet here I sit in my chair, too scared or too lazy to change my own shortcomings or bad situations.

I hate that I find fault in the things I excel at.  I hate that I have to pick every little thing apart and dissect it.  And I hate knowing that someday it might consume me completely.

30 Days of Truth

Published 16 January, 2011 by itsaheartache

Motivated by HDW , I have decided to try the ’30 Days of Truth’ project.  Since the 30 days of letters went over like a lead balloon, we’ll try this one.  Mayhaps it will bring me out of my blog fog.

Here is the list of items, if you would like to join as well.

Thirty Days of Truth list:

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Happy reading!!

So Insane

Published 8 January, 2011 by itsaheartache

It doesn’t come as much of a surprise to me that I don’t really know how to “like” someone.  My track record of being screwed over by most of the people in my life, even some of my best friends, makes me extremely gun shy.

Having said that, I feel like I go a little crazy when I do find myself interested in someone.  I don’t feel like I think rationally; I go out of my way to try to talk myself down.  Now, me being of the flint-hearted nature, it’s a little disturbing to lose control and to feel that “Ut oh, I think I might like this boy” feeling.  That momentary lapse of reason, so to speak. 

What the hell am I mumbling about?  OK I’ll spill it.

There is a boy, who is a friend of friends (the unhappy people I mentioned before).  He is handsome, funny, stable, responsible, and single.  I spend enough time at the unhappy’s house and he makes a regular appearance; so we have entered the beginning stages of talking.  Stop the presses OMG you can’t be serious, right?  For me, this is a big deal.  I fly the flag of “all men suck and one more bad date and I’m cutting my hair and joining a softball team”… So for me to even have an interest in someone is a miracle in itself.  Another bigger miracle is that I haven’t convinced myself that he’s a serial cheater or one of those boys who won’t call back. 

I’ll cut away here and add that in order to protect the flint heart, I often talk myself out of a situation before it even begins.  I will disparage someone and render them below my standards before I can even make that decision intelligently.  I do this because I have been hurt.  I have been hurt badly, not only by ex boyfriends, but by some family and some friends.  Friends I thought would be there did just the opposite.  Given that it is water under the bridge, it still fucking hurts.  And it makes me nervous and skittish to trust someone.  I feel like I just can’t trust.  I don’t want to relinquish that control.  I can’t.  It’s me against the world. 

That mantra gets so fucking old.  In all actuality, I am lonely.  The “I can do it alone” flag is flying strong, but tattered.  I know I can do it alone, because I do it every damn day.  I’ve had people tell me that I have inspired them; that they use me as motivation to get through tough times.  While that is incredibly flattering and I am humbled by their words, I wonder Why?  If you could look in the window, you would see I really do not have my shit as together as one would think.  I feel like some days I could go crazy.  OK, more often than not. 

So imagine all of this compounded by actual emotion.  Oye. 

Now, back to the boy.  I’m not sure what to do.  I have expressed interest, and have put the ball in his court.  The pessimist in me tells me not to get my hopes up.  The optimist is encouraged and hopeful.  My track record tells me he’s not going to call and I should just get used to having that big bed to myself for a while longer.  Ugh.

While the room spins and the roller coaster comes to complete stop, I sit and wait to see what happens next.  I think I need a straight jacket.

Meet Me In The Middle

Published 5 January, 2011 by itsaheartache

I’m learning the art of compromise.  It’s a work in progress; a series of things falling into my lap that I all of a sudden have to negotiate and “give and take”.  Damn it.  I want things my way and I want them now.  But alas, this is not my world.  I only live in it.

I have to reason with customers at work, regardless of how much I’d love to tell them their demands are unrealistic.  Sure, they are totally unrealistic, however our company can fulfill them, and that is why we have the business and not the guy down the street.  We do a good damn job, and we lead our industry… So while I may get annoyed, my job is to meet them in the middle.  OK honestly we meet more like at the end of our driveway, but hey, who’s counting?

I have to compromise with my kids… My middle son is ready to drive me completely batshit crazy with his teenage nonsense.  There are days when I’m reduced to tears, crying silently in my room so he doesn’t know how much he’s affected me with his selfishness.   All the books and articles I have read speak of teenagers’ selfishness, and how they are not capable of thinking much outside of their own circle.  Perhaps I was spoiled by my oldest son who has always been aware and caring of those around him.  He is reasonable, rational, and smart.  Yes, he does the normal “Let’s complain about everything and of course I’m right even when I’m wrong and how dare you even assume I am ever wrong”, but his heart is in the right place.  Middle boy – Gah – I don’t even know how to describe it.   We have to discuss the  same rules and expectations all the time.  It feels like we are fighting or engaging in some sort of tension at least every day, and he is not happy unless he gets everything he wants, when he wants it.  (Gee, sound familiar?)

When I call my mom for some advice, she just says “Gosh, I have no idea where he gets that from”… Thanks mom, I don’t need a trip down memory lane, I need some advice. 

Is it unreasonable for me to expect those things?  Is it wrong that I want Dean Winters on a platter for my birthday (scruffy like in the all state commercials)?  OK maybe that’s going a little far.  (Please?)

While it is a series of what feels like never ending battles, I feel like I am making progress.  I may have outgrown my selfish phase (Maybe).  I let people merge on the highway, even when they feel like they need to skid to a stop before merging (Really?).  I let people cut in front of me in the grocery line if they only have 1 or 2 things.  And yes, sometimes I let the kids have cereal for dinner.  Go ahead and report me to Child Services, it won’t be the first time.  LOL

If there is a lesson to be learned, it is that compromise is a good thing.  Even though it can be a pain in the ass, giving in doesn’t always hurt.  Besides, if you give a little bit, then you’ve got one coming.