People have different coping methods – Whether they paint, scream, exercise, write it out… I deny.
I’m not proud of it.
When the going gets tough – I mean really tough – I curl up into a ball and say “I don’t know what you’re talking about. Everything is fine”.
I keep those who are supposed to be closest to me out. I keep things from them when they are the ones who I am able to rely on, and who I should be revealing things to. Not until things get to the point of no return is when I let them in – But just a little. I have had friendships suffer because of this; because of my habit of keeping people in the dark.
When I talk about how lonely I am, I often wonder if it’s by my own hand. Have I excluded people to my own detriment? I want to say yes. Who wants to have a one-sided friendship? Who wants to be around someone who they aren’t sure is being completely open with them? Certainly not me… Deny, deny, deny.
I’m not sure where I’m going with this… I’m going through some events right now that have shaken my faith in humanity. As much as I want to curl myself up and deny, I know I can’t. Everything is most certainly not okay. I cannot keep this wave from crashing into me.
I’m scared, not only of what has happened, but of my numbness. I’m numb. I feel like I should be whirling around in a field, wailing to the gods “WHY!!” with tears stinging my cheeks. The numbness helps to focus on the business at hand. My god there is a lot of business this time.
And I know in my heart of hearts that I cannot do this alone. It’s not something I am equipped for. I cannot keep people out, I cannot say everything is okay. The bubble is broken and it is messy.
For the first time in a long, long time – I do not know what to do. I don’t know where to turn. I don’t know who to be angry with. I don’t know who to go to for help. I. Don’t. Know. And it sucks.
I can only hope that as I quietly unfurl myself from my ball, and turn the light on, that there is someone there holding their hand out. I know I wouldn’t deserve it as I have not been so forthcoming and available. Maybe it is part of the denial, thinking someone will always be there?