Toxic Love

Published 3 April, 2010 by itsaheartache

Ah, spring.

Spring is in the air in our fair state; with young hearts seeking other young hearts… Bridal show advertisements and fliers litter the city and dating website ads are everywhere.

What a cute way to remind us single folks that we are alone.  Gee, I hadn’t noticed now empty the other half of my bed is – I’m too busy sprawling across the whole bed and taking it for myself!!  But I digress.

It’s also cute to see people getting involved with others just for the sake of being with someone.  And by cute, I mean pathetic.

I have a friend on face book who has posted today that she put her husband in jail last night for “choking me out and punching me like I am a man”… She is on her way to bond him out as I write.

What happened to finding your own strength and deciding who YOU are before you give yourself to someone else?

I sometimes feel like I hide the fact that I’m lonely with the old “I’m just being selective” guise.  Nah, not being super selective.  There’s just nothing to select from.  Zilch, zip, nada.  It seems that when I turned 30 I became undateable.  Because you know, this shit is totally old.

Sure, I can totally find some random guy to come knock the cobwebs loose, but really, I have things in the drawer that can serve that same purpose.

I refuse to settle.  Won’t do it.  And I’m offended as a woman for those of us who DO settle.

I have had some doozies of relationships, if you want to call them that.  I have ran my course of boys who don’t call, boys who think they’re better than they are, boys who are condescending and dickheads, you name it.  I actually have a soft spot for assholes.  I’m chemically drawn to men who are dominant, and that’s where I get in trouble.

So I choose to be alone.  It’s lonely, but it keeps me sane most nights.  I’m not waiting for the phone to ring.  I’m not pining away for some douche who only calls after the bar closes.  I’m not batting my eyes at some boy who’s too busy checking out the waitress with the implants to notice.

I’m just me.  For now I focus on my job.  My children.  School.  My friends.  I have things to keep me busy; I have no business injecting myself with poison.

I want to enter into my relationship of sound mind and body.  I don’t want to fawn over someone and not have that attraction returned.   I am exhausted of one sided relationships.  So until I can find someone who can handle me, I will continue to sprawl across my fantastic pillow top mattress.  Alone.

And I am OK with that.


2 comments on “Toxic Love

  • Amen, fucking amen.

    You be there for your friend, because eventually she’s going to need all of her girlfriends when her husband tries to kill her again.

  • After seeing the comment above mine I have to now assume that wasn’t a sex fetish thing (choking her out) but an abusive thing. And I can’t judge without a lot of info- maybe she needs to get him out so she can find his pin number and empty the bank account on her way out of his life- it’ll help pay for her damn medical bills.

    And mother fucking kudos to you, love. Hell yes you have standards. It’s one of many reasons that I love you so.

    Enjoy that bed and pillow.

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