Today is the kind of day where thoughts run rampant. My mind is busy. It has been a tangled mess of thoughts for a few weeks. I can’t keep them straight and they are ever moving; ever changing.
My job is done in less than a week. I can’t help but be scared. I’m nervous about being unemployed again. The first time was only a couple of months; I was very lucky. The economy is much worse now. It seems right now that I know more people who are out of a job than I do people with jobs. I am definitely worried.
For my own sake I’ll try to keep a positive attitude. It is a good example for the boys. And while I’m out of work I can work on school and work on sorting things out like I always want to. I can take care of the things I never really have time to do… Maybe. It depends on how long the idle process is. I’m really hoping it’s not too long. Not holding my breath, but definitely crossing my fingers.
The rumor is that the company I used to work for is not doing well and might have to close their doors. It wouldn’t make me a good person to be happy about this, but for some reason I feel secretly vindicated. I don’t know where these feelings come from, because I don’t see myself as that mean of a person. To silently wish failure on so many people. I am still bitter towards the management of the company but only because I feel they made a bad decision in firing me. I need to get rid of that entitlement feeling. If the company closes, there will be about 75 people out of a job. 75 families out of insurance. 75 families left wondering what to do next. I know that feeling. It’s not a good one. That’s why it makes me angry that I am even entertaining any other thought than sadness. I have friends who still work there. Maybe if the management could be the only ones who failed? LOL I know that’s not how it works. All or nothing. I will get over it. It’s not healthy to harbor these feelings.
I’ve made it my goal this year to be a happier person. I have prevailed, in my opinion. I have attempted to make the best of out all the tough spots I’ve been in, whether it is my car taking a crap three times in a month, or whether it’s my job coming to an end. In life you need to make the choice whether you let the negative things get you down or not. Sure, the bumps in the road are sometimes more like sinkholes, but there is another side. There has to be. What would we fight for then?
I have been lucky in life. I could dwell on the bad things that have happened, and I could obsess about the bad choices I have made. But I won’t. It kind of sounds like an oxymoron to type this, given the ranting I just did a couple of paragraphs up. That sure sounded like dwelling to me. I need to take my own advice. Life is not fair sometimes. But life’s what you make it (To quote the ever annoying Hannah Montana)
At times I think about my kids. I wonder what they will think when they get older; if they will appreciate the things I’ve had to go through to make things work… Or if they will resent me for not being able to give them more. It’s not like they are ragamuffin kids wearing rags and holy shoes. Two of them have cell phones (In fact one of them has a nicer phone than I do); they go to as many functions as they can; they are social when they choose to be. I hope it’s enough. I’ve dated guys who complain about how their mothers are/were, and it worries me. I do not want my sons to grow up to be those whiny men. I want them to be strong, and responsible, and nurturing. I don’t really have a way of knowing any of this until that time comes. And hopefully I have done things right. Wish I had a mirror to look around that corner, that’s for sure!!
What a depressing update. Believe it or not I’m not sad right now. There is just so much going on up “Here” (Waves hands around head frantically) I need to get it out. It’s consuming me.
I’ll continue to fight the good fight, and strive to make good choices.