Dishpan Hands?

Published 3 March, 2009 by itsaheartache

I’m supposed to be doing dishes every night after dinner but Sis-In-Law is doing them right now… wonder if I am just too slow or being over sensitive. 

Today I am having another bad day, brought upon by a series of events out of my control. 

I actually just found out that my kids have it pretty easy and they need to do more.  So I guess that solves the wondering about dishes question. 

I hate this feeling.  I hate feeling that I am not doing enough but am in the way at the same time.  I hate feeling so alone but so overstimulated.  Again with the lump in my throat… I thought this was done.

Last week Monday the engine blew up in my van.  I’m totally stranded and reliant on everyone more than ever right now.  I feel like a damn loser, like I can’t take care of myself.  Top it off with the fact that the lady who was fostering my cats abandoned them in a house with no heat.  Last night I had to go rescue them and bring them to the lovely Ms. C’s house.  Hopefully they will be happy there and able to NOT be abandoned.  The poor things have been through enough in the past few weeks.  That is weighing heavy on my mind as well.  They are like my kids.  I can’t just ignore what is going on with them.

I can’t stop crying.

I feel helpless.  I feel like giving up and telling everyone “OK, you win.  You are right.  I AM the loser you always thought”.  What am I supposed to do? 

I need to call the mechanic in the morning and find out when he will have my van done, so that uncertainty will be over.  I need to then make a plan of attack.  I’m going to have a nervous breakdown.  I don’t even feel like myself anymore.  I’m exhausted, I’m hyper, I’m bitchy, I’m passive, I’m sad, I’m ungrateful, I’m uncertain… I’m tired.

I can’t be the only person in the world who has ever been sad and defeated.  I need to figure out how to get over this.  It’s been almost 2 months.  I have not been able to shake this feeling. 

It’s like the whole rest of the world is going on around me, and I’m here in a bubble.  Screaming and flailing my arms.  Although I doubt anyone can see or hear me.  Like I’m not even here.  But at the same time everyone can see me and tells me what I am doing wrong.

I’m still crying.

I have to launch a pretty aggressive financial goal in order to get out of here on target. 

I’m not sure what I should be doing.  I do know that I need to stop crying, and I need to realize what I do have. 

For the first time in my life, I am honestly lost.  I need to find my trail of breadcrumbs and get my act back together.

This is just a setback.  This too shall pass.  What doesn’t kill me will make me stronger. 

I have to get over this, at least for my kids.  It’s not good for them to see me like this.  I actually cried tonight in front of them.  I just couldn’t stop.  Folding laundry, I cried.  Hanging up my clothes, putting socks in baskets.   And I still can’t stop.

There has to be something I can do.  There has to be some way I can turn this around, something I can grab and hold onto.  My saving grace.  Where is it?

Damnit.  This isn’t like me.  It’s not like me to lose myself like this.  It’s scary, and too real. 

Who knows – Maybe I’ll have an opportunity soon to delete this post… I can hold out hope.

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2 comments on “Dishpan Hands?

  • I love you sweetie. Big! When this play is done, i’ll come get you (if you need) and we’ll spend the evening and night with pink snapple, little debbies, adult drinks, stupid movies and sock folding. It’ll be awesome! I’ll cheer you up!

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