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All posts for the month March, 2009

Hooray!

Published 19 March, 2009 by itsaheartache

I’m giddy. I can’t stress this enough.

It seems like such a far cry from a couple of weeks ago when I was losing my mind. Thanks to a couple of very reassuring emails and pats on the back, I am much better.

The boy I met? He is my boyfriend now. *Squeak* I have not had a legitimate boyfriend since Donald and I broke up almost 7 years ago. I mean, I’ve dated people, and of course it has gone no where. But this is the first time in years anyone has given a shit enough to say “Hey, I like you, and I think I’d like to see where this goes”. Wow. That sounds mean. People LIKE me, of course. People want to hang out with me, of course. But no one has been boyfriend material. No one makes me feel like he does right now. I want to jump around and turn cartwheels.

So, like, this whole writing thing… I often wonder if I’m any good. I sit here and type, with no real focus in mind half the time. This blog is serving as a tool to vent and relieve many frustrations. If you look around you can find some posts where I made a valiant effort to SAY something rather than type something. Hopefully those have come across the way I intended them to. I just wonder if people read this and are like “who is she kidding” I stumble upon blogs all the time and am awed at the effort put into them. Sometimes the effort speaks to me in a positive matter; sometimes not. I guess I’m not too worried about it. It’s the internet after all, you can tell someone they suck, anonymously and with a screen name like “big boobs 1984” or something equally tacky.

But when it’s time to be serious about finishing and editing my book, I’m going to have a very hard time releasing it to public. On the internet it’s safe. It’s anonymous (Kind of). In the public it’s real. What if someone gets upset about something I have written and sends a death threat? What if someone in my life sues me because I put them in an unappealing light in my book? Do these things really happen? There are so many questions I would love to have answered, but not really anyone to answer them.

I guess I could hunt around online for a book writers’ support group of some sort, or some sort of message forum. I just thought about something funny – What if they all sit there in a panic, not clicking the “submit” button, because they are worried that their grammar isn’t perfect? Or more over, what if there are grammar Nazi’s on the forum that rather than get the desired point of a post, criticize it for spelling and punctuation. Oye. People HAVE to have something to pick on, yes?

I RSVP’d to an event held by a girl I went to high school with; I literally have not seen her in 16 years. She still looks pretty much the same; I’m looking forward to seeing her. I wonder if anyone else from high school will attend as well. These are the same people who used to make me nervous years ago so there isn’t really a reason to be nervous any more. I’m fabulous, right? *Sigh* so life goes on.

I’m still heading toward my financial goal, and still plugging away at work. I’m still going to the gym, and my pants are slightly baggier. I’m not noticing any significant changes but that is good because it’s supposed to be a gradual thing anyway. I just want to get healthier and if I can look better while doing it, sign me up. Aside from that, everything is pretty much the same. I miss my house and my cats. But I also know that I will have them back soon. Very soon; like less than 4 months soon!!

I’m so excited. I think this is really going to be a great year. Cheers.

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My Pokemon Brings All The Dorks To The Yard…

Published 12 March, 2009 by itsaheartache

I gave myself the worst paper cut ever this morning; it has been a long time since I’ve had a paper cut. I forgot what a nuisance they are.

Thought I would give a quick update just in case anyone is afraid that I’ve hurled myself in front of a bus or something. That’s definitely not the case, I am feeling much better but have decided to leave the last post up as a reminder to myself that I am human and that I am allowed to have bad days.

Things are super busy. I got my van fixed, hooray!! I picked it up last Friday, and am thrilled. I have already taken it to the mechanic for a quick check up as my power steering was whining. It turned out to just be some air in the line and it was quickly fixed. Hooray again!

I’m broke again for about the next month at least. Shoot who am I kidding – I’m broke for like EVER. I have Jen’s bachelorette party coming up, Youngest Boy needs some glasses, and I need to have brakes done… the list goes on and on. PLUS I need to be putting money away like crazy. Hopefully I will be able to save aggressively in the end of April, continuing into May and June so I can meet my original goal of moving out July 1st.

This band aid makes it hard to type.

And I have some news on the dating front… I met a boy. *giggle* actually I met him at the goading of my co-worker, who is his best friend. I’m not going to talk about it here, but let’s just say he is totally unlike anyone I have ever met. And that is a good thing.

The boys are becoming a struggle; Middle Boy is acting out a little bit and attempting to get some attention. He’s not getting the kind of attention he wants, so hopefully this phase ends swiftly. Oldest Boy is being a general slacker, so he has been grounded. He is not happy about this, but at this point I could give a shit less. He has been pushing boundaries and he has not been receptive to all the opportunities I have presented him. So he is shit out of luck pretty much. He does not like being grounded, but I don’t like having to play the bad guy either. He is much smarter than he is acting right now. Youngest Boy is not giving me school information when I need it. Other than that he is just spending his time annoying his brothers and cousins. He does a very good job at that; he is pretty immature. But overall I guess things could be worse. No one is pregnant or has wiener lice. LOL

I am still submitting my resume and information to other jobs, just to cover my back in case my contract doesn’t get extended here. I am nervous about the state of the economy and how long it would take me to find another job if I get let go from here. I have tons of experience but no Bachelor’s Degree. That is holding me back from a lot of the positions I feel I would be really good at, which sucks. But I shall remain optimistic and hope that things will turn out for the best. I don’t have a work bully anymore, I think I might have mentioned it before but it bears mentioning again. The work bully has actually ended up being an advocate and helper for me. What a great resource she is. She has tons of experience and is super smart.

How sad is this Jade Goody story? I had to quit reading about it yesterday because it is just too depressing to even think about. In case you aren’t familiar with it – Jade Goody is a British celebrity, from the UK version of Big Brother. She was one of those people you either loved or hated. And adorable. Well, she is 27 and dying of terminal cancer. She has decided to have the last weeks of her life documented and filmed, in order to provide a living for the children she is leaving behind. How exhaustingly depressing her story is. I could not imagine knowing full well that I only have a small amount of time left to live, and I could not imagine having the strength to prepare and make sure my kids are taken care of. How gut wrenchingly sad. It’s not been an easy journey for her, either. She is very motivational to me.

So just to recap – still here, still focused on the end goal, and every day is getting better.

Dishpan Hands?

Published 3 March, 2009 by itsaheartache

I’m supposed to be doing dishes every night after dinner but Sis-In-Law is doing them right now… wonder if I am just too slow or being over sensitive. 

Today I am having another bad day, brought upon by a series of events out of my control. 

I actually just found out that my kids have it pretty easy and they need to do more.  So I guess that solves the wondering about dishes question. 

I hate this feeling.  I hate feeling that I am not doing enough but am in the way at the same time.  I hate feeling so alone but so overstimulated.  Again with the lump in my throat… I thought this was done.

Last week Monday the engine blew up in my van.  I’m totally stranded and reliant on everyone more than ever right now.  I feel like a damn loser, like I can’t take care of myself.  Top it off with the fact that the lady who was fostering my cats abandoned them in a house with no heat.  Last night I had to go rescue them and bring them to the lovely Ms. C’s house.  Hopefully they will be happy there and able to NOT be abandoned.  The poor things have been through enough in the past few weeks.  That is weighing heavy on my mind as well.  They are like my kids.  I can’t just ignore what is going on with them.

I can’t stop crying.

I feel helpless.  I feel like giving up and telling everyone “OK, you win.  You are right.  I AM the loser you always thought”.  What am I supposed to do? 

I need to call the mechanic in the morning and find out when he will have my van done, so that uncertainty will be over.  I need to then make a plan of attack.  I’m going to have a nervous breakdown.  I don’t even feel like myself anymore.  I’m exhausted, I’m hyper, I’m bitchy, I’m passive, I’m sad, I’m ungrateful, I’m uncertain… I’m tired.

I can’t be the only person in the world who has ever been sad and defeated.  I need to figure out how to get over this.  It’s been almost 2 months.  I have not been able to shake this feeling. 

It’s like the whole rest of the world is going on around me, and I’m here in a bubble.  Screaming and flailing my arms.  Although I doubt anyone can see or hear me.  Like I’m not even here.  But at the same time everyone can see me and tells me what I am doing wrong.

I’m still crying.

I have to launch a pretty aggressive financial goal in order to get out of here on target. 

I’m not sure what I should be doing.  I do know that I need to stop crying, and I need to realize what I do have. 

For the first time in my life, I am honestly lost.  I need to find my trail of breadcrumbs and get my act back together.

This is just a setback.  This too shall pass.  What doesn’t kill me will make me stronger. 

I have to get over this, at least for my kids.  It’s not good for them to see me like this.  I actually cried tonight in front of them.  I just couldn’t stop.  Folding laundry, I cried.  Hanging up my clothes, putting socks in baskets.   And I still can’t stop.

There has to be something I can do.  There has to be some way I can turn this around, something I can grab and hold onto.  My saving grace.  Where is it?

Damnit.  This isn’t like me.  It’s not like me to lose myself like this.  It’s scary, and too real. 

Who knows – Maybe I’ll have an opportunity soon to delete this post… I can hold out hope.