About Secrets…

Published 7 January, 2009 by itsaheartache

28_blue-rainy-dayLately a lot of the email surveys I have been filling out have contained a lot of “What’s your biggest secret? What’s one thing you haven’t told your best friend?” type questions.

I’d hate to keep anyone in the dark, so here are some things that you may not know about me… Some funny, some kind of weird, and some just plain frightening.

**I don’t like it when people are mean for no reason. Life is too short to be grumpy and angry all the time.

**My best friend in elementary school was always so nice to me, and I was mean to her when the popular girls decided I existed. I hope that some day I get the chance to apologize to her; I know it was grade school but things like that are reasons people have self esteem issues. I search for her name on Facebook and Myspace at least once a week. I hope I find her.

**I blame myself for my failed relationship with Donald. I really was mean sometimes, and I think if I had been nicer he wouldn’t have left me.

**I’m jealous of my kids’ confidence and ability to be so laid back about things. I wish I could be more like them.

**I regret not finishing school. I’m contemplating taking some online classes this summer.

**There are times when I feel so inadequate that I lay in my bed and sob into my pillow. These are the days where I need support the most but am terrified to ask for it.

**I’ve peed my pants while driving more than once… I sneezed really hard and was not prepared for it. For those of you who have had babies (especially many babies and big babies), you know what I’m talking about.

**I can’t navigate stairs with my left foot first. I have to start with my right foot. This is because I count the stairs in my head, and my right foot is always the odd numbered steps so if I’m stepping with my left foot and counting an odd number, it literally feels funny.

**I hate balloons. I’m really scared of them after having a couple of them explode too close to my face. If someone asks me to carry a balloon I’ll carry it but with my arm stretched out and elbow locked, like I am carrying dog doo or something. And always with the wind blowing the balloon AWAY from me, not towards… I don’t care if I have to walk all diagonal and stuff. Keep it away from my face.

**I actually just had a small panic while thinking of a balloon too close to my face.

I think that is enough dirty laundry for now… I have a lot of skeletons in my closet so I’m sure another one of these lists will surface some other time. Maybe.

What is the deal with secrets, anyway? Do you think that people with trust issues have more secrets? Or do you think theirs are more social and people focused? Do you think we could associate trust issues with having a lot of secrets ourselves, and therefore having a problem believing that everyone else doesn’t have a million secrets too? I have noticed that what I consider a devastating secret has changed as I have gotten older. Things don’t bother me as much as they used to. That’s not to say that I’m unflappable, because believe me there is some major flapping going on in any given day. However, I’m growing accustomed to not being such an angry person. Angry cost me my job and a lot more, so it’s time I said good bye to that old friend. Some friend it was!!

I guess what you could say is that I’m secretly a happy person. Behind the clouds and the thunderstorms, the happy person is waiting to make an appearance. I don’t know why I have kept this person hidden for so long. When you think about it, I have quite a bit to be happy about. Sure things suck right now. But they are just things. It’s all small stuff when it comes right down to it. Things always have a way of working out. I should be happy about that. I should be grateful for my blessings instead of obsessed with my troubles.

And what’s a few troubles anyway? One of the oldest adages goes “What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger”. And in Dale Carnegie one of my favorite instructors talks about flowers that grow bigger and stronger with fertilizer. And you know what they use for fertilizer, right? Shit. So in summary, bring on the shit. We should be happy for experiences that challenge us as people, and try our patience. With the right pruning, we could be a showstopper. So pluck those weeds, and turn your face to the sun. We should embrace the opportunity to show ourselves and the world that we are more than a common weed. Because we are.

Just don’t keep it a secret, OK?

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