I’ve made no effort to disguise or hide the fact that things aren’t going so well for me right now.
Today I visited my brother’s house and after really talking to him and my sis-in-law came to the harsh realization that it’s not going to get better. I’m not going to wake up tomorrow and magically make the kind of money I used to make, and things aren’t magically going to pay themselves with some magic money that I don’t have.
The most realistic and logical solution, at this point, is for me to come back and stay at my brother’s house again, for a period of time. It might be 3 months, it could be 9 months.
I need to get things back to where they were, and the only way I’m going to be able to do this is to wipe the slate clean and start over.
This is so unbelievably humbling for me. I have worked, scratched, and battled the world. I feel like I have lost. Even if only for a minute, I feel like I have been defeated. The people who said I couldn’ t do it, they have been proven right. The people who gossiped about me and called me a loser and a piece of shit… they have won. They know who they are… and what makes me puke is that they are the ones who are my cheerleaders to my face.
Damn my foolishness for losing my job. Damn it all to hell. Things would be fine. They would be normal.
I’ll be moving in a couple of weeks. The boys are going to have to change schools for a bit. My cats will need to go to either foster homes or to new homes. My things will be put in storage. I’m so, so sick over this. My fat cat. No snoozes in the big puffy chair with her purring in my lap… at least not yet.
Change is good in some instances, I just hope that this is one of them.
Being here will give me the opportunity to save up a ton of money to put a down payment on a place of our own. I’ll be able to clean up my debt. 4 1/2 years ago when I was in a similar spot I didn’t have the courage or the confidence to lay out a game plan for myself. I was embarrassed and felt like an obstacle. This time around I feel like it’s a positive thing. I’ll be joining the gym with my sis-in-law. I’ll be closer to work. It’s a chance for me to put Humpty Dumpty back together… again.
Thank the gods they have a laptop and an air card; I will still be able to blog.
This is an opportunity I really can’t pass up. I’m drowning right now and my brother is the life preserver… I only hope that I’m not a disappointment to anyone but myself. I’m hard enough on myself without having to hear the scrutiny (or worse yet hear it through the grapevine).
Here’s to new chapters.