Is it over yet? Damn. Didn’t think so.
What a drag; I’m so over being a grown up right now. I wonder if there is a strike line that I can form. I don’t want to pay bills, wait in line for my oil change, fill out permission slips, pack down the trash because the boy doesn’t want to go out into the cold and haul it out, request POD for that shipment.. I just don’t want to do it anymore. I’m ready for my vacation to la-la-land. Surely my complaints have fallen on deaf ears, but ahwell.
Today has been a long day. I started out the morning being violated via road rage on the road I take to work. Mr. “4 X 4 too good to pass anyone but definitely good enough to tailgate for 16.5 miles” should have totally bought me dinner after the way he was all up in my booty. Usually that kind of access requires at least 3 drinks, and sometimes some yoga as well. The day is not over, as I’m sitting in front of my computer freaking out over my budget. I don’t even want to look at it, it’s that bad. I’m trying to avoid the inevitable which is packing up my shit and sleeping on my brother’s couch again for a few months while I get my shit back together. I’m really praying (and I don’t pray) that I won’t have to do that. It’s not looking good so far. Everything is overdue. Everything. I can slowly dig my way out, but it is not easy. It’s a really, REALLY slow process.
Why does it always have to be money? I have been struggling for weeks now but don’t let anyone know that because I’m too fucking prideful. God forbid I show myself as a human being who is capable of mistakes. I’m just irate that it’s money, a-fucking-gain.
AH! I wish it were easier. I wish that I wasn’t being looked up to by 5 kids who constantly see me sruggle and seem to constantly see me screw up. I guess the best part about them seeing me mess up is that they get to see me overcome those mess-ups as well. I just don’t want them to worry.
Saturday I’m finally going Christmas shopping. Last minute much? I have budgeted a small amount to be able to go to the store and get the kids at least a few things. They are aware that things are tight this year so hopefully they will be happy with the stuff I am able to get for them. I’m fairly confident that I can get them quite a bit if I go to the right places and plan accordingly. I can’t wait to see their faces on Christmas. My little bears.
Middle boy has been awarded a scholarship to a Fine Arts camp this summer. It’s a 2-week sleep away camp; and the scholarship is for half the fees. HALF. He is a hell of a musician. I have to find a way to get him to this camp; it will be so great for him. I don’t know what I’m going to do without him here for 2 dang weeks though!!! His brothers will be doing the happy dance b/c he does a great job of annoying them as of late, but we’ll deal with that when the time comes.
Deep breaths are a common thing of late; trying to settle myself down.
It will be OK. It’s my mantra. It will be OK. I start myself off each day with it, and say it dozens of times throughout the day. It will be OK. I can’t say it enough.
And it will. I just need to have faith in myself. I have overcome worse, let’s hope I don’t have to go down that road ever again.
I’m scared, but I will be OK. Things always have a way of working out, and I just have to stay the course and stay true to myself.
OH and I’ve decided that I need to leave some room in the budget for some of Britni’s lube just in case the 4×4 makes an appearance in my behind again… at least then I’ll be ready.