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All posts for the month December, 2008

New Year; New Start?

Published 26 December, 2008 by itsaheartache

I’ve made no effort to disguise or hide the fact that things aren’t going so well for me right now.

Today I visited my brother’s house and after really talking to him and my sis-in-law came to the harsh realization that it’s not going to get better.  I’m not going to wake up tomorrow and magically make the kind of money I used to make, and things aren’t magically going to pay themselves with some magic money that I don’t have.

The most realistic and logical solution, at this point, is for me to come back and stay at my brother’s house again, for a period of time.  It might be 3 months, it could be 9 months. 

I need to get things back to where they were, and the only way I’m going to be able to do this is to wipe the slate clean and start over.

This is so unbelievably humbling for me.  I have worked, scratched, and battled the world.  I feel like I have lost.  Even if only for a minute, I feel like I have been defeated.  The people who said I couldn’ t do it, they have been proven right.  The people who gossiped about me and called me a loser and a piece of shit… they have won.  They know who they are… and what makes me puke is that they are the ones who are my cheerleaders to my face. 

Damn my foolishness for losing my job.  Damn it all to hell.  Things would be fine.  They would be normal. 

I’ll be moving in a couple of weeks.  The boys are going to have to change schools for a bit.  My cats will need to go to either foster homes or to new homes.  My things will be put in storage.  I’m so, so sick over this.  My fat cat.  No snoozes in the big puffy chair with her purring in my lap… at least not yet. 

Change is good in some instances, I just hope that this is one of them.

Being here will give me the opportunity to save up a ton of money to put a down payment on a place of our own.  I’ll be able to clean up my debt.  4 1/2 years ago when I was in a similar spot I didn’t have the courage or the confidence to lay out a game plan for myself.  I was embarrassed and felt like an obstacle.  This time around I feel like it’s a positive thing.  I’ll be joining the gym with my sis-in-law.  I’ll be closer to work.  It’s a chance for me to put Humpty Dumpty back together… again.

Thank the gods they have a laptop and an air card; I will still be able to blog. 

This is an opportunity I really can’t pass up.  I’m drowning right now and my brother is the life preserver… I only hope that I’m not a disappointment to anyone but myself.  I’m hard enough on myself without having to hear the scrutiny (or worse yet hear it through the grapevine).

Here’s to new chapters.

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Fa-La-La-La-La…

Published 21 December, 2008 by itsaheartache

I think I might be done with my shopping.  Actually I should retract that statement; I forgot a couple of the stocking things.  But I am done with the big stuff.  And thanks to the gods for that.

Today I ventured to the big city in search of great bargains – And apparently horrible traffic, because that’s what I found.  I had a migraine before 1:00.

We got quite a big winter storm on Friday.  We picked up about a good foot of snow in 10 hours; which is quite interesting considering everyone in Michigan knows what happens in the winter yet forgets how to drive or cope with it.  I got stuck in my driveway coming home from work.  It sucked.  I love the snow, and I love winter.  I DON’T love being stuck.  Being stuck resulted in my ruining the thread on my drivers front tire.  So guess what I got to do this morning – Yes you guessed it.  I got to wobble my bulging tire ass to the tires shop and swipe the old card for over 300 bucks that I really didn’t have.  300 bucks for 2 tires, mounting of used tires on the back, and an oil change.  Is that good?  I can’t tell; my ass hurts too bad.

I came home from Christmas shopping, hid the bags in my room, then ran right back out on the roads to do my grocery shopping.  I got 2 weeks worth of groceries for 105 bucks.  I think I do pretty good for feeding a family of 6 on that.  We’ll probably run out of milk and bread before next week but shoot; the major stuff is planned and bought.  I got home for good, and the boys helped me take care of groceries and we watched a movie and a George Carlin special from 1983.  The boys went to bed, and then I came in here to wrap presents.  I gave up 15 minutes ago after about 25 presents.  I’ll finish the rest tomorrow between laundry loads.

I’m actually getting excited for Christmas.  I was able to get a few more things than I thought I would be able to.  I think the kids will all be happy with what they get.

The roast of Jeff Foxworthy is on Comedy Central. Do you remember when roasts were funny?  This one looks and sounds like everyone is reading from a teleprompter.  My favorite person on these things is Lisa Lampanelli.  She’s funny and it’s funny when she gets picked on too.  You would think that the world would run out of slut jokes, but apparently not.

Man I’m tired.

I Wave My Magic Wand And All The Strife And Drama Disappears… AAAANNNND… Poof!

Published 17 December, 2008 by itsaheartache

Is it over yet?  Damn.  Didn’t think so.

What a drag; I’m so over being a grown up right now.  I wonder if there is a strike line that I can form.  I don’t want to pay bills, wait in line for my oil change, fill out permission slips, pack down the trash because the boy doesn’t want to go out into the cold and haul it out, request POD for that shipment.. I just don’t want to do it anymore.  I’m ready for my vacation to la-la-land.  Surely my complaints have fallen on deaf ears, but ahwell.

Today has been a long day.  I started out the morning being violated via road rage on the road I take to work.  Mr. “4 X 4 too good to pass anyone but definitely good enough to tailgate for 16.5 miles” should have totally bought me dinner after the way he was all up in my booty.  Usually that kind of access requires at least 3 drinks, and sometimes some yoga as well.  The day is not over, as I’m sitting in front of my computer freaking out over my budget.  I don’t even want to look at it, it’s that bad.  I’m trying to avoid the inevitable which is packing up my shit and  sleeping on my brother’s couch again for a few months while I get my shit back together.  I’m really praying (and I don’t pray) that I won’t have to do that.  It’s not looking good so far.  Everything is overdue.  Everything.  I can slowly dig my way out, but it is not easy.  It’s a really, REALLY slow process.

Why does it always have to be money?  I have been struggling for weeks now but don’t let anyone know that because I’m too fucking prideful.  God forbid I show myself as a human being who is capable of mistakes.  I’m just irate that it’s money, a-fucking-gain.

AH!  I wish it were easier.  I wish that I wasn’t being looked up to by 5 kids who constantly see me sruggle and seem to constantly see me screw up.  I guess the best part about them seeing me mess up is that they get to see me overcome those mess-ups as well.  I just don’t want them to worry.

Saturday I’m finally going Christmas shopping.  Last minute much?  I have budgeted a small amount to be able to go to the store and get the kids at least a few things.  They are aware that things are tight this year so hopefully they will be happy with the stuff I am able to get for them.  I’m fairly confident that I can get them quite a bit if I go to the right places and plan accordingly.  I can’t wait to see their faces on Christmas.  My little bears.

Middle boy has been awarded a scholarship to a Fine Arts camp this summer.  It’s a 2-week sleep away camp; and the scholarship is for half the fees.  HALF.  He is a hell of a musician.  I have to find a way to get him to this camp; it will be so great for him.  I don’t know what I’m going to do without him here for 2 dang weeks though!!!  His brothers will be doing the happy dance b/c he does a great job of annoying them as of late, but we’ll deal with that when the time comes.

Deep breaths are a common thing of late; trying to settle myself down.

It will be OK.  It’s my mantra.  It will be OK.  I start myself off each day with it, and say it dozens of times throughout the day.  It will be OK.  I can’t say it enough.

And it will.  I just need to have faith in myself.  I have overcome worse, let’s hope I don’t have to go down that road ever again.

I’m scared, but I will be OK.  Things always have a way of working out, and I just have to stay the course and stay true to myself.

OH and I’ve decided that I need to leave some room in the budget for some of Britni’s lube just in case the 4×4 makes an appearance in my behind again… at least then I’ll be ready.

It’s A Girl Thing

Published 14 December, 2008 by itsaheartache

It’s no surprise that the dating front sucks for me right now.  What’s a girl to do?  I’m one foot out of the dugout, and that’s no lie.  I thought that since I’m so close to breaking through to the other side, I’d share my Girlie Wish List.

First, we have Kate Walsh.  She is my #1 on the wish list, and for obvious reasons.  She is striking.  Absolutely gorgeous.  Plus she looks like she might just have a little bossy streak to her, which is never a bad thing.  One of my favorite commercials (which they don’t even SHOW anymore) is the one where Ms. Walsh is driving the Chrysler car in her hot ass shoes, and she’s talking in her smooth low voice.  Meow.

Here’s to you, Ms. Walsh.

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Next up I’m going Jungle Fever.  I used to have a thing for Gabrielle Union until I realized that so did everyone else.  I want my first time to be special.  So I picked Ms. Vivica A. Fox.  A nice experienced woman, I’m sure she’s had experience in breaking hearts.  I love this woman.  She exudes confidence, in every way.  Her posture, her manner of speaking, Uf.

Take a bow, Ms. Fox.

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Up now, Brody Dalle.  She’d kick your ass, and sing a bitchin’ song while doing it.  This naughty lass is frontwoman for The Distillers, and has a low gravelly voice.  Rawr.  I love her rawness, her “I don’t give a shit” attitude, and the fact that she hangs tough in a male-dominated genre.  You are something fantastic, Brody.

Smile and wave…

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Where would the Wish List be without the sweet little girl next door?  Have no fear, Mila Kunis is here.  I love her on That 70’s Show; I love her as the voice of Meg on  Family Guy, and I adored her in Forgetting Sarah Marshall.  She has those sweet girl next door looks, but her eyes definitely shine with mischief.  I can even overlook the fact that she was involved with the corpse-looking McCauley Culkin.  Everyone has a past, let’s just hope she’s gotten over that phase.

Mila, call me!

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Last on the list, but definitely not least… Jennifer Aniston.  I have been a fan of hers forever, even through the whole “Would you rather with Jen or Angelina” bullshit water cooler discussions.  For me, there is absolutely no competition.    This girl deserves some kudos.  She was publicly dumped and cheated on by Brad and had it rubbed in her face.  She deserves some love, totally.  She needs to quit picking idiots like John Mayer (Bubble gum tongue, seriously?!?!?!!) and find someone who she can be admired by.

Ahem, Jen… Look me up on Myspace.

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Hm, seems that I prefer brunettes.

Catching Up

Published 13 December, 2008 by itsaheartache

OK, so I fell off the face of the world for a few weeks.  This is what happens when the cable bill gets paid late, kids.  Nonetheless, I am back online, and not up to much.

I’m feeling very introspective of late… trying to take a look at myself right down to the nitty gritty and figure out what is broken, if anything.  Trying is the operative word, given that I’m terrified of what I may find.

This morning I am listening to Christmas music that I have downloaded from Frostwire; and listening to the shrieks of delight coming from the hill in my yard.  Two of my sons and the Divas are out there sledding in the 20 degree weather.  Oh, to be young again.

If you have been paying attention to the news, Michigan is even more screwed than ever. GM is ready to go under, and by no fault but their own.  It is my contention that faulty management practices and Union-motivated overspending caused this whole mess, and now millions of undeserving families are going to suffer as a result.  I’m talking about the workers who are just trying to support their families.  The vendors who have provided services to the employees and to the company of GM.  Everyone from the waitress at the corner diner to the mechanic who’s working on the fork lifts.  Meanwhile the CEO’s continue to cash their 28 million per year salary checks and live high on the hog.  The rest of us are just trying to survive.  Bravo, GM.  You should take a lesson from Toyota and learn some Lean policies, and swiftly.  But it won’t happen.  The gov’t and treasury will help them out, and they will never learn the consequences for the way they run their business.  What’s fucked up is that my sister in law the daycare provider can’t go running to the gov’t when HER business isn’t turning a profit.  What happens to her when food and milk and diapers get so expensive that she can’t even afford to run her business?  When she has to go to the parents and raise rates to break even, and those parents can’t afford the increase… It’s a horrible vicious circle, yes, but it’s part of running a business.  You manage expenses in the best interest of not running yourself into mountains of debt.  And I’m in no way claiming to be an expert at budgets and running businesses, but as a single mother I DO know a thing or two about making ends meet.  Upper management of some of these companies just don’t get it.  It’s like they get their promotion to white tie and forget what it’s like to be in the trenches, busting your ass in the best interest of those you work for.  Hoping for a crumb of recognition.  Even the company I used to work for – They are laying GOOD men off… Yet the upper levels continue to have their multiple cars paid for by the company.  They continue to have everything catered to them.  The rich are getting richer, and the poor are lining up on the corner for their free cheese.

I’m jumping off the soapbox, it just makes me so mad that there isn’t an easier solution to this mess.  I’m not an expert, but someone needs to get it into gear so people can get back to work.

Aside from panicking about the state of affairs locally, I’m trying to stay busy with work and catching up on bills.  You see how good that has done me, with the late cable payment and such.  The furniture people are leaving hate notes on my doorknob a few times a week.  Get in line, folks.  I’m praying I can make it to tax season.

My job is fun and exciting.  Although I am only a contractor for now, I am coming up with some great ideas to improve processes, and it’s being acknowledged by the right people.  When my contract is over I’m hoping to get hired on as permanent but I am not holding my breath.  At the very least the name of the company alone will be a fantastic update to my resume.  The suckiest part of being a contractor is that I’m locked into the same horrible pay rate for the duration of the contract, even if I am promoted or something.  It’s definitely taught me a thing or two about budgets.  It’s hard enough trying to make ends meet on the rate I make, let alone all the past dues from being without work for two months.  Like I said, though, just trying to make it to tax time.  It seems to be the magic fix.

On the online dating front – Not much is happening there.  I”m getting messages, just not the right kind of messages.  No, pervert, I DON’T want to see your dick.  While I like them, I don’t want to see YOURS.  They should have just called it what it is – Online SCREWING search.  I feel sorry for the few guys who might be on there for the right reasons, because they are totally flooded out by the creeps.

The kids are doing well.  Two of the boys just got done doing a community play and they had a fun time doing it.  My middle boy is excelling in band and choir; he had solos at both the school concerts this week.  I was a good momma, I didn’t cry in front of him.  I’m so proud of them all.  I’m at odds with my oldest son who feels that since he is almost 14 he can do what he wants, when he wants to do it.  I had forgotten about this phase of life.  My lord he is difficult.  He’s currently grounded from his PSP for missing homework *resulting in a horrible progress report* and still continually asks me to play it, or he will sneak it when I leave the house.  It’s not just about a video game to me… He needs to respect the boundaries I have placed and he also needs to accept responsibility for getting his work turned in on a timely basis.  He can’t just skim by anymore.

So yeah, that’s what is going on lately.  It seems like a lot, but it’s just my life.

I hope I can keep it from falling apart!!!

I have a funny post in the works so hopefully I will cheer you all up.  :o)

Thanks for stopping by!!