Plus One

Published 9 November, 2008 by itsaheartache

I did it.  I joined a personals site.

I sincerely hope that if I do find someone interesting, this guy doesn’t show up at my door:

buffalo-bill

I hate it when people say “You’ll find someone when you least expect it; when you’re totally not looking for it”.  Well the joke’s on them, because I’ve been actively single for 5+ years and nothing.  A few random bad dates, and a few pretend relationships that all end the same way… Let’s get to know each other and screw for a few months but then he acts like a whiny douche when I make mention of anything more than our genitals being friends.  Oh wait, “just friends” is fine, just as long as we fuck in the process.  You dig?

I do sound bitter, and I’m trying to get that out of my system. I know it’s just as much my fault as anything; I make bad choices and am for some reason drawn to the unavailable types.  Unavailable emotionally.  It’s my way of punking out of coming to terms with my own insecurities.  Blame the guy, sure!  If I befriend the type who is NOT looking for a relationship in the long run, I can totally make it his fault when I DO want a relationship.  Sounds like a plan to me.  (Wrong answer)

By joining this personals site I’m hoping to be able to weed out the guys who raise immediate red flags, and get to know people on a deeper level before actually meeting them in person.  If they don’t like the fact that I’m a busy ass single mom and I expect to be treated fairly and yes I AM looking for long term – Sucks to be them and they’ll never get the pass to Shonda-Land.  And no harm done, nothing invested, no feelings hurt… This is my hope anyways.  I’m probably being incredibly naive and I might end up meeting an asshole.  But that’s why the old internet dating adage applies “Meet in a public place”  Then I can ‘go to the bathroom’ and leave his ass there.

Perhaps that was harsh.  I’m getting too old for this nonsense.  I want my knight in shining armor, I need him.  It’s great to be accomplished and be able to save the world by myself, but come on.  How many times am I going to show up alone to the same parties and tell the same lame witty jokes and get the same canned sympathy laughter?  How many times am I going to giggle at the people drunkenly swaying to the slow song at last call?  Giggling easily hides the fact that I wish I was swaying as well.  If they look close they can see the shine in my eyes; it’s not the booze, it’s not the smoky air, it’s not my allergies.  It’s loneliness.

You see, joking is easy.  Dealing is not.

I am not good at putting myself out there, faults and all, and relaxing long enough for someone to accept me.  I’m so sure that rejection is coming that I make it happen prematurely.  I date the guys with serious issues.  I pursue the men who are fucked up in the head and can’t possibly have anything to give towards a relationship.  I get mad when they only want one thing, but I have to remember that I’m the one who put it on the table in the first place.  I’m out of the playoffs before the season even starts.  For a while this has been acceptable to me, but now it’s not.  I deserve more.

And I’m ready for more.

Who knows – Perhaps my foray into online dating will make for some good stories here.  Buckle up.

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One comment on “Plus One

  • Good luck, dude.

    Been there done that, and it wasn’t the worst experience ever.

    I was just talking to my Mom about relationships tonight. I always thought I would be married by now, but I would also rather be single than in a shitty relationship AND I would rather know that I don’t have to depend on a man.

    That said, I am now living hours away from everyone I know and have met no one other than the people I work with. And since I am a manager, I can’t socialize with them. So, I am pretty lame.

    Not sure what point I am trying to make, but good luck. Hope it works out for you.

    =]

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