All posts for the month November, 2008

And Now, A Rant – In Which I Swear A Lot And Gesture Madly

Published 16 November, 2008 by itsaheartache

fist-websmallI log onto my MySpace shortly ago to see what’s going and I see THIS – Posted by an e-friend whom I’ve never met but still means the world to me nonetheless.

Last night a guy I used to see beat the crap out of me. Why am I putting this on here? Well for a few reasons….he destroyed my phone, broke it in two and i need everyone to give me their numbers again. I don’t know if verizon can give me all of my contacts back or not.

End result, i have a HUGE fat lip, swollen wrist, sore stomach and a very bruised ego. Found out quite a few people’s true colors last night too. I’m just glad he didn’t kill me and if any of you think I’m exaggerating, your wrong. So much for hoping for the good in people, really, the people that I thought would be there for me ended up NOT being there for me when I called and cried out.

He’s getting a restraining order and I’m picking up and moving on. Just wish I meant more to some. I guess now I see I never will.

Thanks for letting me rant for a bit.


Now listen here Mr. MotherFucker.  You think that it makes you any more of a man to put your hands all over some woman??? This girl is 6’1″.  Obviously your method was to physically intimate her.

Look at her, blaming herself.

FUCK YOU if you think it makes you a man to put your hands on a woman.  FUCK YOU if you think the only way out of an argument is to slap her up to prove your point.  FUCK YOU if you are too big of a pussy whiny bitch to turn the other cheek, cool down, and approach the situation like a grown ass man.  FUCK. YOU. In your ear.  With a dirty dick.

I can not beLIEVE what I’m reading.

Break the cycle, people.  This can NOT go on.

I am perfectly and more than completely aware that there are some loud ass bitches who like nothing better to do than get the man riled up just so they can have the satisfaction of knowing they brought him past his breaking point.  Guys, I KNOW we can be psychos.  And to those psychos who enjoy getting a rise out of their boyfriends just because they know it’s not legal for them to fight back – FUCK YOU TOO BITCHES.  You are just as big a part of the problem.

However, in my dear friend’s case I highly HIGHLY doubt she was asking for or provoking anything.  This is a girl who takes care of her business.  She is a good mother, a patient friend, intelligent, stable, and just plain awesome.  For some punk ass motherfucker to make her doubt herself like this makes me want to puke.

FUCK domestic violence.  Fuck it.


Meme Sunday

Published 16 November, 2008 by itsaheartache

bear-picnicDoes the last person you kissed hate you?
No, we still hang out.

Is your hair up?

Do you still talk to the person who hurt you the most?
Yes I have to; he’s the father of my daughters.

Do you think you are an argumentative person?

Is your phone right beside you?

Yes I just got done talking on it.

Who was the last person to grab your butt?


Will this Saturday be a good one?

I have a bit to go yet, but I think it will be.

Have you ever had a difficult relationship?

Difficult doesn’t even begin to describe it.

Ever gone skinny dipping?


What is your biggest pet peeve?
Dishonesty in any form – Lying, Cheating, Stealing.

Have you ever hugged someone named Madison?

When was the last time something bothered you?
Today. I’m over being a grown up.

Who was your last text from?


What was the last movie you watched?
In entirety – Chicago

Where are you?

In my bedroom

Have you ever stayed in a hotel?

How did you feel when you woke up this morning?
I have a headache.

What’s your favorite color?
Purple, brown.

Do you want a boyfriend/girlfriend?


When was the last time you shot a dirty look at someone?

Probably today

What’s in your pocket?
No pockets – PJ pants.

When is your birthday?
October 3

Where did you buy the shirt(s) you’re wearing now?
I didn’t buy it; it’s a hand-me-down from ex boyfriend.

What color are your eyes?

Are you a forgiving person?

I can be, it just depends on what the person did that warrants forgiving.

Ever kissed someone who smokes?

Ugh; yes.

When you shut off your alarm clock, do you tend to fall back asleep?
No way, I hate hearing the thing more than once so I get right up.

Did anything weird happen in the past 3 days?
At work I was told names of people who are impressed with my work – Not only did I not realize these people even know who I am, but these people are very high up and having visibility with that level of management is pretty exciting and weird.

What are you listening to?
Ima Robot

Your mom tells you she’s pregnant, what do you say?
Holy shit (Then I pray for the poor baby)

Have you ever thought about getting your lip pierced?

I’ve definitely thought about it but there is no way I’d do it now.

Who lives in your house?
Me, D, S, B, N&N, and our 2 cats.

Have you had more than 3 boyfriends/girlfriends at the same time?
I’ve dated more than one person at once but it was definitely not boyfriend serious.

What are you doing?

It’s Sunday morning; getting ready to do some laundry and clean house. I need to go grocery shopping too so I will probably make a list.

Are you on medication for anything?

I should probably be on an antidepressant but I am rebelling.

Who was the last person you spoke to on the phone?
My sis-in-law

Last female you talked to in person?
My sis-in-law

Do you like your life?
I need to get to that point.

Kissed someone that had a girlfriend/boyfriend?
Yes, sorry!!

What state do you live in?

Has anyone told you they’re completely in love with you?
Yes too bad he was a big fat liar pants.

How many kids do you want to have?
Oh I think 5 is plenty.

How are you feeling?
Scared, excited, exhausted, nervous…

What were you doing at midnight last night?
Falling asleep while watching Ghost Rider with the boys

When’s the last time you were surprised?


How did you get one of your scars?

How are you feeling?
Again – scared, excited, exhausted, nervous.

How did you celebrate your last birthday?
30th birthday take two – Dinner and sangria at my favorite restaurant; then karaoke and many beers at my favorite hole in the wall drinking establishment

How did your night go last night?
It was a fun night.

How is your relationship status?
Single and tired of it!

How did you get the shirt you’re wearing?
I already said – It’s a hand-me-down from ex boyfriend

How often do you see your best friend?
I don’t see my best friends as often as I want to – I miss them.

How much money did you spend last month?

Too much and yet not enough.

How old do you want to be when you get married?
I’m not worried about the age.

How old will you be at your next birthday?


Your mothers name?

What did you do last Wednesday?

What is the most important part of your life?
My children

What would you rather be doing?
Nothing really.

What did you last cry over?
Being scared

What always makes you feel better when you’re upset?
Beer – Ahahaha… Really I guess for someone to just listen to me and not act like I’m a complete basketcase

What’s the most important thing you look for in a significant other?

What are you worried about?
Paying my bills like always

What did you have for breakfast?
I didn’t yet.


Have you ever had your heartbroken?

Have you ever been out of the country?

Have you ever done something outrageously dumb?
Oh yes.

Have you ever been back stabbed by a friend?
Many, many times.

Have you ever had sex on the beach?

Have you ever dated someone younger than you?
Yes, he was a sweetie too!!

Have you ever dated someone older than you?

Have you ever read an entire book in one day?
Yes the Harry Potter books.


Who was the last person you saw?
S & B, they are eating pop tarts

Who was the last person you kissed?

Who was the last person you hung out with?
Big brother, and sis-in-law

Who was the last person to call you?

Who did you last hug?

Who is the last person you texted?

Who was the last person you said “I love you” to?


Where does your best friend live?
They all live more than a 5 minute drive away.

Where did you last go?
Big brother’s house

Where did you last hang out?
At big brother’s house

Where do you go to school?
I don’t yet.

Where is your favorite place to be?
Wherever I am happy.

Where did you sleep last night?
In my bed


Do you want something right now?
Money, stability, happiness, a date, a big messy cheddar cheeseburger… Not much.

Do you think anyone likes you?

I wish they did!!

Do you ever wish you were someone else?
No. I think I’m pretty spectacular.

Do you know the muffin man?

Does the future scare you?
No I’m excited for the future. Things can only get better!!


Why did you get a MySpace?
I don’t remember but I am thinking of deleting.

Why did your parents give you the name you have?
They had to think fast because their doctor told them the whole time my mom was pregnant that they were having a boy… then I came out… Couldn’t name a girl “Shawn” in the 70’s so They modified it slightly.

Why are you doing this survey?
It’s a Sunday thing to do

Why did your last relationship end?

Well I’ll take the last guy I THOUGHT I had a relationship with – We hung out and dated for about 4 months and then he decided he didn’t have time to keep pursuing the relationship. He had time to bone though. I hate boys.


If you could have one super power what would it be?
To be able to leap tall piles of laundry in a single bound.

If you could go back in time and change one thing, would you?
I would, but the really trying times in my life as much as they sucked I would not change them… Struggles are what mold our personalities and cause us to grow up and realize that there is more to life than just us.

If you were stranded on a deserted island & could bring 1 thing what would you bring?


Would you ever shave your head for a million dollars?

Would you ever shave your head to save someone you love?


Are you happy with your life right now?
Already answered – I could be happier.


Where​ is the boy/girl you want most?
I’ll know him when I find him.

Where​ will you be 3 hours​ from now?
Probably at the grocery store.

How old is the last person you kissed?

Where​ do you want to be?
Right here.

Who was the last person of the opposite sex to text you?

Can you make yours​elf sneeze?
I’ve never tried

What is your current mood?
I guess overwhelmed.

What are you doing ​tomorrow?

Who was the last person to sleep ​in your bed besides yours​elf?
One of the divas

Do you think​ you would​ make a good boyfriend / girlfriend?

Where​ were you at 9am this morning?
Sleeping; hooray!

Whose​ bedroom were you in last?

Why do you feel the way you feel?
Because I’ve convinced myself that I have to save the world in one day.

Who was the last person you yelled at?
Probably the kids

What are you listening to right​ now?
Toby Lightman

How has the week been?
It’s been OK actually.

Is there​ something you wish you could​ tell someone but can’​​​​t?

Who’​​​​d you last kiss?
I already said this, scroll back up.

Do you sleep​ with the TV on?


Are you too forgiving?
No, I don’t think I am forgiving enough.

Where​ are your parents right​ now?
Mom lives up north; Dad is deceased.

Who do you miss?
Carly, Elle, Jen, Mom, Sis

What was the last thing​ you put in your mouth​?
My toothbrush.

Are you single?
Yes (sigh)

If you could​ have any car, what would​ it be?
Chevy Nova

What are you stressed out about​?

How many windows are open on your computer?

In the past week have you gotten sick?

In the past week have you gotten a hair cut?
No but I really need one!


Published 15 November, 2008 by itsaheartache

Last night on the way home the guy in front of me hit a deer.  He hit it so hard that hair and deer shit went flying everywhere.  The guy didn’t even stop; didn’t pull over to check the damage to his car, nothing.  What a dick.  The deer laid in the road with its legs flailing like it was trying to get up.  I can’t get this image out of my head.  Jen says when she drove by later the deer wasn’t there, so hopefully it has found its way back into the forest and is OK.  I think it was a girl deer because I didn’t see any antlers.

Today in Michigan it’s opening day of firearms deer season.  Thousands of hunters throw on their bright orange jackets and slather themselves in doe pee in hopes of bringing home the big buck.  I think it’s a good thing; there are so many deer that they are running everywhere.  I see many remnants of car/deer accidents on a daily basis.  Population control is so necessary.  And hey, venison is delicious so it’s a win-win situation.

I know that there are many people who are against hunting and against hunters in general; saying that it’s cruel to shoot them.  Well would you rather them starve to death because there isn’t enough food left for them to find?  Or would you rather them get slammed by semis and cars on the highway for their bodies to be dragged down the road at 80 miles an hour?  I say weigh the facts before you get your weenie in a knot, folks.

But enough about deer.  Hopefully by talking about the car/deer accident I can get it out of my head.

This week has been awesomely busy.  It’s so funny because I still haven’t cleaned my room.  I started on cleaning my room, then that whole debacle came to an end when I lost my motivation.  Before I go to my brother’s today I do need to pick up the laundry so I can get everything washed tomorrow.

Work is getting more and more fun every day.  I’ve never worked for a company this big so it’s amazing for me to see how real processes are thought up and adhered to.  It’s very cool.  In talking with my new boss yesterday I have a clearer understanding of what my job will be and the responsibilities I will take on soon.  It’s exciting!  The place is so big that I have to take a bus from the parking lot to my building!

At home it’s a busy as ever.  Two of the boys are doing a play and it’s close to opening night so they are spending a lot of time at rehearsal.  A lot of time.  Their bedtime on school nights is 9:00 and they dont get home until 9:30 usually.  They don’t even have time for showers at night, which really blows.  I wish I had known that it would be such a long time; I feel like I never see them anymore.  But soon it will be over and they will be home with me at nights.  Then I will be complaining about them fighting all the time, LOL.  Hey I have to complain about something, right?

Update on the personals site – I am exchanging emails with a very nice man.  He’s not “gorgeous” but he looks very kind.  And he’s really tall too!! 6’6!!  I’ve also received a few messages on there from creepy guys who want to “meet up and have some fun”.  ICK!!!!!  To rip off Cher’s line from Clueless ‘Well you see how picky I am about my shoes, and they only go on my feet’.

Gross!! Do people actually do that?  I mean, I realize I’m being incredibly, incredibly naive here.  I know in the past I have met people to just hang out and one thing has led to another so I’m not stupid enough to think that this doesn’t happen… But do people meet just to have sex?  Without knowing a thing about each other?  Ahahaha I almost want to delete this paragraph because I sound like Laura Ingalls.  Of course people do this… That’s still just tacky.

I leave in 1/2 hour for my brother’s and still haven’t picked up my laundry… Guess I should do that.

Until next time…

Plus One

Published 9 November, 2008 by itsaheartache

I did it.  I joined a personals site.

I sincerely hope that if I do find someone interesting, this guy doesn’t show up at my door:


I hate it when people say “You’ll find someone when you least expect it; when you’re totally not looking for it”.  Well the joke’s on them, because I’ve been actively single for 5+ years and nothing.  A few random bad dates, and a few pretend relationships that all end the same way… Let’s get to know each other and screw for a few months but then he acts like a whiny douche when I make mention of anything more than our genitals being friends.  Oh wait, “just friends” is fine, just as long as we fuck in the process.  You dig?

I do sound bitter, and I’m trying to get that out of my system. I know it’s just as much my fault as anything; I make bad choices and am for some reason drawn to the unavailable types.  Unavailable emotionally.  It’s my way of punking out of coming to terms with my own insecurities.  Blame the guy, sure!  If I befriend the type who is NOT looking for a relationship in the long run, I can totally make it his fault when I DO want a relationship.  Sounds like a plan to me.  (Wrong answer)

By joining this personals site I’m hoping to be able to weed out the guys who raise immediate red flags, and get to know people on a deeper level before actually meeting them in person.  If they don’t like the fact that I’m a busy ass single mom and I expect to be treated fairly and yes I AM looking for long term – Sucks to be them and they’ll never get the pass to Shonda-Land.  And no harm done, nothing invested, no feelings hurt… This is my hope anyways.  I’m probably being incredibly naive and I might end up meeting an asshole.  But that’s why the old internet dating adage applies “Meet in a public place”  Then I can ‘go to the bathroom’ and leave his ass there.

Perhaps that was harsh.  I’m getting too old for this nonsense.  I want my knight in shining armor, I need him.  It’s great to be accomplished and be able to save the world by myself, but come on.  How many times am I going to show up alone to the same parties and tell the same lame witty jokes and get the same canned sympathy laughter?  How many times am I going to giggle at the people drunkenly swaying to the slow song at last call?  Giggling easily hides the fact that I wish I was swaying as well.  If they look close they can see the shine in my eyes; it’s not the booze, it’s not the smoky air, it’s not my allergies.  It’s loneliness.

You see, joking is easy.  Dealing is not.

I am not good at putting myself out there, faults and all, and relaxing long enough for someone to accept me.  I’m so sure that rejection is coming that I make it happen prematurely.  I date the guys with serious issues.  I pursue the men who are fucked up in the head and can’t possibly have anything to give towards a relationship.  I get mad when they only want one thing, but I have to remember that I’m the one who put it on the table in the first place.  I’m out of the playoffs before the season even starts.  For a while this has been acceptable to me, but now it’s not.  I deserve more.

And I’m ready for more.

Who knows – Perhaps my foray into online dating will make for some good stories here.  Buckle up.