“You can check out any time you like; but you can never leave” ~The Eagles
I get bored when things stay the same for an extended period of time. I rearrange my furniture on a regular basis; swap out shelves in the bathroom; and am constantly on the search for new and exciting things to decorate my place with. I change my desk around constantly.
I’m jealous of the people who can be satisfied with “normal”. I’m jealous of their ability to accept the inevitable, and embrace a lifestyle of continuity and the constant knowledge of what’s going to happen next.
In my heart of hearts, I’m a planner. I like to know what I’m doing, and when I’ll be doing it. Last minute changes to plans stress me out and give me headaches. I don’t know how to explain it; how someone like me who can’t stand for visual things to be the same all the time is so anal about time and unseen details.
It is what it is.
So here is my life. It sucks so much being unemployed. The unknown details of when my next interview, or start date will be… It’s really starting to get to me. There is nothing on daytime TV worth a damn to watch, so my background noise for the day is lame court shows and info-mercials for the 10-minute trainer. I don’t get up. I don’t do anything fun. I don’t meet anyone for lunch. I sit, on my fluffy couch (which my payment is late for), with my fat cat… And I ponder the lame-ness of my life. Because I’m in a fog.
My continuity has become that I merely exist. Every morning after the boys shuffle off to school I spend an hour or so checking email and sending resumes, then more of the same. There is nothing to do. Well there is, but obviously I don’t do any of it. I could take up a hobby, but I don’t. I could call my friend who lives 5 minutes away and she’s totally home all day too, but I don’t. I could call my other friend, who lives 10 minutes away and he’s totally home all day to, but I don’t. I could clean my house more, but I don’t. I could volunteer for the school, but I don’t. Surely I could find some time to do a sit-up or two, but I don’t.
I’m so fucking bored that I want to die. Death would be more interesting than my life at the present time. The same damn questions from the same friends “Did you hear anything?”, laced with fake enthusiasm and fake hope for a happy ending. The same hundreds of commercials for lawyers, technical programs, and tax attorneys, inundated with promotions for ring tones.
They don’t care. They just want me to be happy again so they don’t have to hear anymore of this whining.
What do I do? Slap on the fake plastic smile like I always do? God knows everyone is so tired of me being depressed and hearing about how there have been no calls back. Part of me thinks they don’t believe me, that I am just having too good of time getting shit for unemployment money while I sit on my fat ass and not do anything about it. So let’s see… According to my “job hunting log”, I have sent my resume to 142 job postings, and have received 14 calls back. Out of those 14 calls, 8 have resulted in interviews. 4 of those interviews were with temporary staffing agencies who have assured me that my resume puts me in the top running for some great jobs. However, I have heard nothing from either 4 in at least 3 weeks. Hmm. The 2 most recent interviews are promising; and actually at the same company (different departments). I am supposed to hear back any day now. The waiting is killing me.
I want so much to prove everyone wrong. I want it so much, that it’s overtaken any other goal of finding a job. I no longer am trying to find a job to survive; it’s become a challenge just to prove “them” wrong. The ones who wish me luck but silently root against me. They know who they are. The ones who talk sweet and write horseshit that they think I will never find. Yes, I read it. Real nice. You know, because I’m such a menace. I’m so dangerous. I’m such a horrible person. Keep rooting against me. I’m going to surprise you, in more ways than one. And when I DO surprise you, don’t bother with the false encouragement. I see right through you. It’s a shame. Now if you’ll excuse me, my light at the end of the tunnel is just to your left. Thanks.
I sound so mean right now. I really don’t mean to be. I have no other outlet, because no one understands. I can’t imagine anyone feeling the way I do right now, and having to hide it for sake of keeping a happy face on for everyone plus kids. It’s like living a double life. I can’t be myself, because it might put some people off. “Oh, she’s so negative. So dark.”
So fucking what if I’m dark? Wouldn’t you be too? I’ve been blindsided, betrayed, talked about, gossiped about, and forgotten. No one cares anymore. Even as I write this, tears have tricked me again, and there is this lump in my stomach as I think about the shitstorm that is my life right now.
It’s not. fair. All I’ve ever wanted was to be happy. And I’m not happy in the least, lately. Things need to change. For the love of God, I’ve tried almost everything, short of electro-shock therapy. And now I don’t have medical insurance… so there is one stone that will be left unturned.