Magic Shell

Published 23 April, 2012 by itsaheartache

Sadly, not a post about ice cream.

It’s been an odd series of months.  Just kind of existing.  Work, housework, kids… Lather, rinse, repeat.

I feel like a shell.  Like some sort of magic, mystical shell.  Nothing fancy with the pretty rainbow interior, just a shell.

I live for everyone else.  I make decisions for everyone else.  I teach.  I motivate others.  I fold socks.  That is all.  Nothing fancy, and nothing for me.

I’m struggling to find my purpose.  I guess I kind of give that right away with having children; my purpose becomes taking care of my family.

Not that I’m here to argue that at all… I am fortunate and blessed that everyone is healthy and not in juvenile hall.

But there is almost a panic that takes over when I think about what is going to happen when everyone is gone.

I’m sure I’ll still be here, working and teaching and petering around with this writing thing… I just wonder if I’ll find my calling.  How old is too old to finally fill in the blanks?  What if it never happens?

Like, I think about how cool it would be to date and to meet new people.  My friends and acquaintances say that I am funny, and smart, and that I’m a hoot.  I’ve been told by the people I teach that I am inspiring.  Why don’t I feel it?  I just feel like a shell.

Shuffling through the house, from one side to the other, putting blankets back on the couch and picking up dirty socks and cleaning crumbs and signing homework and paying the light bill (late, again)… Then back to the other side, straightening the shoes and hanging up wet towels, and getting out hamburger to thaw, and feeding the Mollies and slightly feeling guilty for possibly overfeeding them.  It’s work no one sees.  It’s backstage work.  Everyone gets up in the morning and things are as they should be.  Dust-free, clean, quiet, and there is Mom the shell.

I guess if I have to be a shell I want to be one of those super cool bedazzled ones that people make for Hermit Crabs.  At least I can shine while being useful.


Private Show

Published 4 March, 2012 by itsaheartache

There’s so much I keep to myself.  Like, a lot.

I’ve lost faith in a lot of people.  People who used to be very close, I still love them and I keep them at arm’s length.  It’s hard.  I know that with growth comes change.  With change comes growth.  They compliment each other.  Sometimes it’s not fun, though.

It’s sad how much more willing people are to tear others down… And when people are doing well, they can’t just be happy for them.  It’s easier to say what a loser someone is, or what a piece of crap they used to be, than to say “you know, she really pulled through and she has really made something for herself.”  What we hear is “Yeah, she thinks she has everyone fooled, but remember, 12 years ago when she did ____.”  I thought the point of growing up and the point of changing was to leave those things behind?  That’s why it’s kind of easy to forget our sins – There’s always someone there to throw them back in our face.

Perhaps keeping others at bay is a means of self preservation.  While I gain momentum in my goal to be a public speaker, to help others to think better of themselves and to help them find the strength to be confident – It helps to keep myself strong too.  I have to practice what I preach, and it is very hard to do when it feels like sometimes the world roots against me.  

Always reminders, subtle jabs at the mistakes I have made.  

We are all human.  We all have a past, and believe it or not we all have a future.  Our future is up to us, not the busybodies who have nothing better to do than expose our faults.  We can either buy into the gossip and let them beat us, or we can hold our heads high and swear to do better next time.

If you find yourself contributing to the demise of someone else, take a step back, and maybe close your own curtains, lest we all see your skeletons dancing around.  

School Days…

Published 28 February, 2012 by itsaheartache

I get a very depressed, almost sick feeling when I drive past schools that are vacant.  Not the “Oh, kids are out for the day” vacant, but visibly empty where no one goes there anymore.  The landscaping is unkempt.  The playground equipment may be removed, leaving bare patches in the grass where little feet once played and scuffled up the dirt while swinging.

School is very nostalgic to me.  Because I had a lousy childhood, I really clung to the smallest detail of my schools.  The smells, the echoes of the hallways, even the gross orange color of the lockers in high school.

Thinking of those schools just sitting there, with no one loving them.. It makes me so sad.

I live in a state where our government and legislation feel that education falls lower in the priority list than other things.  I’m not a political person and this is not the place to voice my thoughts regarding those types of things.  I don’t think we need to be on one side or another when it comes to preserving education and preserving schools.

There comes a time when a building is just too old.  It will cost more to maintain the upkeep than it would to just build new.  The newer buildings are more efficient, run greener, and fine, they look better.

There’s something to be said about the old creak of a wooden floor though.  The hiss of an old-school radiator.  Chalkboards.

What about tetherball?  And 4-Square?  No, I don’t mean the thing you check in on to reveal your whereabouts to everyone on your preferred social media network… The chalk outlines on the ground, and we bounced a ball to each other.  I don’t know that I ever really learned how to play it properly.

*Sigh*  I guess I just miss being a kid.  Life is so complicated now.  Granted, life’s what you make it (OK Hannah Montana), and I have made quite the life for myself.

But I love to think of simpler times.

Thinking about school takes me back.  Wanna trade lunches?

Point Taken

Published 27 January, 2012 by itsaheartache

At some point in your life, you’re not going to know what you’re doing.  And that is OK.

At some point in your life, you’re going to be asked to do something that is outside of your comfort zone.  And that is OK.  (Wait.  Maybe I should expand and lecture about birds, bees, and pornography laws… But I hope you know what I am going for here)

At some point in your life, you’re going to fail so badly at something.  It’s going to be embarrassing.  You’ll be reminded of it more than you’d like to.  And you’ll get over it.  And that is OK.

At some point in your life, you’re going to know disappointment.  You’ll know heartache.  You’ll know trouble.  

The people who once were your biggest cheerleaders may turn into the ones who betray with the most viciousness. After all, who knows us better than the ones who are closest?  But all of that is OK.  In the end, it matters who stays.  Not who goes, and not how they left.  Who stayed?

At some point, you’ll need to call on the ones for comfort.  The ones who stayed.  The ones who supported, who lifted you up and who said you could do it.  They may not have had pom-poms and fanfare and a marching band, but they were with you all along.  We can be cheerleaders without making a ruckus.  That is OK.

At some point it will be up to us who stays and who goes.  We’ll make that decision with quiet torment.  Guilt will eat us alive, especially in the case of toxic relationships.  We may second-guess our decision, like in the movies where the romantic interest walks away and they look back one last time.  

At that point, don’t look back.  

At some point, we make a clean start.  We make a new life.  We leave the old one behind, like a shell or a ratty snake skin.  

At some point, we take the responsibility for what happens in our lives.  US.  We do it.  

And not only is it OK, it’s pretty fucking incredible.


Published 3 August, 2011 by itsaheartache

Do DOOO do-do-do…

Does anyone else remember that song from the Muppet Show?

Work was super busy today but it’s exciting.  A lot of cool things are happening and coming up on the horizon.  It’s going to be great.

As a result of my attitude presentations, I have been approached to form and lead a group of people who are seeking ongoing stress management tips.  Kind of like a support group.  I would facilitate and answer questions, but the purpose of the group would be a safe place where we could meet and help each other with real situations in a friendly non confrontational environment.  *Squee*

Where the hell did this new Shonda come from?  I’m still baffled.  Just for the hell of it I went back through just this blog and I shake my head at how discouraged and unsure of myself I have been at times.  I can see where I was trying to talk myself out of being in a funk but sometimes it was useless.  I really have come a long way.  I am proud of myself, even if no one else says it I can say it to myself.

Robert Irvine is so weird.  I am hooked on Restaurant Impossible and I love how he goes in and gets all bossy.  Hahaha!  Insomnia is a mother tonight.

My little puny motivated brain won’t settle down… I am thinking of ways I can help at work and I am excited about it but very nervous.  Change is not always well accepted by everyone.  Hell, look at me, I am as stubborn as they come.  I can relate to being reluctant to make a change.  “Who, me?  you must be crazy; there is nothing wrong with the way I am doing things”… It’s a lot of people’s mantras.

As you can imagine, my next challenge will be getting the “nonbelievers” to buy in.  Gah I sound like I’m forming a cult.  Seriously, though, it will be tough to get people on board if they are so engrained in their own funk.  I hold out hope that something I say or something they encounter will flip the switch.  I talk about it being a baby-steps approach and it’s completely true.  You can’t be an ass all the time and then walk into the building doing the Oprah happy dance.  People may whisk you off to the funny farm.  But small gradual improvements and changes are easy.  That’s why they all it Continuous Improvement.

Ugh when did I become a grown up?

Let Me Entertain You

Published 31 July, 2011 by itsaheartache

Over the past few months I’ve really started to pursue the motivational speaker thing.  I have heard speakers before and I always wondered how they could motivate people when they have never known struggle.

So I decided that I would like to try to motivate people.  Anyone who knows me, they know that I have been to hell and back in my life and it’s seriously a miracle that I am still here, sane, and in one piece.

My first point of attack was to present a class at work on how to keep a good attitude even in the face of stress.  My qualification for this class is simple – Attitude is a constant struggle and one I even struggle with.  But the important part is to not let it take you over and even more importantly, to not let it take everyone else down with you.

Long story short, I have done two presentations at work of my class and I have 2 more in the works.  My boss says this is the best training presentation the company has ever had.

Where did this new and improved me come from?  I guess it’s been a recent revelation that I could really help people rather than bitching about them all the time.  That’s not to say it’s not fun to make fun of the people who are just constantly pissed, but there comes a point when it’s time to grow up and it’s time to make your mark on the world.

This is my time.  While I’m terrified and I have no idea what’s going to happen, I am excited!  I’ve been blessed with an incredible opportunity to help people and to help them to not make the mistakes I have made.  Through my failures – Oh how there are so many to pick from – I can help.

Coming soon to a conference room near you.  ^_^