At some point in your life, you’re going to be asked to do something that is outside of your comfort zone.  And that is OK.  (Wait.  Maybe I should expand and lecture about birds, bees, and pornography laws… But I hope you know what I am going for here)

At some point in your life, you’re going to fail so badly at something.  It’s going to be embarrassing.  You’ll be reminded of it more than you’d like to.  And you’ll get over it.  And that is OK.

At some point in your life, you’re going to know disappointment.  You’ll know heartache.  You’ll know trouble.  

The people who once were your biggest cheerleaders may turn into the ones who betray with the most viciousness. After all, who knows us better than the ones who are closest?  But all of that is OK.  In the end, it matters who stays.  Not who goes, and not how they left.  Who stayed?

At some point, you’ll need to call on the ones for comfort.  The ones who stayed.  The ones who supported, who lifted you up and who said you could do it.  They may not have had pom-poms and fanfare and a marching band, but they were with you all along.  We can be cheerleaders without making a ruckus.  That is OK.

At some point it will be up to us who stays and who goes.  We’ll make that decision with quiet torment.  Guilt will eat us alive, especially in the case of toxic relationships.  We may second-guess our decision, like in the movies where the romantic interest walks away and they look back one last time.  

At that point, don’t look back.  

At some point, we make a clean start.  We make a new life.  We leave the old one behind, like a shell or a ratty snake skin.  

At some point, we take the responsibility for what happens in our lives.  US.  We do it.  

And not only is it OK, it’s pretty fucking incredible.

Does anyone else remember that song from the Muppet Show?

Work was super busy today but it’s exciting.  A lot of cool things are happening and coming up on the horizon.  It’s going to be great.

As a result of my attitude presentations, I have been approached to form and lead a group of people who are seeking ongoing stress management tips.  Kind of like a support group.  I would facilitate and answer questions, but the purpose of the group would be a safe place where we could meet and help each other with real situations in a friendly non confrontational environment.  *Squee*

Where the hell did this new Shonda come from?  I’m still baffled.  Just for the hell of it I went back through just this blog and I shake my head at how discouraged and unsure of myself I have been at times.  I can see where I was trying to talk myself out of being in a funk but sometimes it was useless.  I really have come a long way.  I am proud of myself, even if no one else says it I can say it to myself.

Robert Irvine is so weird.  I am hooked on Restaurant Impossible and I love how he goes in and gets all bossy.  Hahaha!  Insomnia is a mother tonight.

My little puny motivated brain won’t settle down… I am thinking of ways I can help at work and I am excited about it but very nervous.  Change is not always well accepted by everyone.  Hell, look at me, I am as stubborn as they come.  I can relate to being reluctant to make a change.  “Who, me?  you must be crazy; there is nothing wrong with the way I am doing things”… It’s a lot of people’s mantras.

As you can imagine, my next challenge will be getting the “nonbelievers” to buy in.  Gah I sound like I’m forming a cult.  Seriously, though, it will be tough to get people on board if they are so engrained in their own funk.  I hold out hope that something I say or something they encounter will flip the switch.  I talk about it being a baby-steps approach and it’s completely true.  You can’t be an ass all the time and then walk into the building doing the Oprah happy dance.  People may whisk you off to the funny farm.  But small gradual improvements and changes are easy.  That’s why they all it Continuous Improvement.

Ugh when did I become a grown up?

So I decided that I would like to try to motivate people.  Anyone who knows me, they know that I have been to hell and back in my life and it’s seriously a miracle that I am still here, sane, and in one piece.

My first point of attack was to present a class at work on how to keep a good attitude even in the face of stress.  My qualification for this class is simple – Attitude is a constant struggle and one I even struggle with.  But the important part is to not let it take you over and even more importantly, to not let it take everyone else down with you.

Long story short, I have done two presentations at work of my class and I have 2 more in the works.  My boss says this is the best training presentation the company has ever had.

Where did this new and improved me come from?  I guess it’s been a recent revelation that I could really help people rather than bitching about them all the time.  That’s not to say it’s not fun to make fun of the people who are just constantly pissed, but there comes a point when it’s time to grow up and it’s time to make your mark on the world.

This is my time.  While I’m terrified and I have no idea what’s going to happen, I am excited!  I’ve been blessed with an incredible opportunity to help people and to help them to not make the mistakes I have made.  Through my failures – Oh how there are so many to pick from – I can help.

Coming soon to a conference room near you.  ^_^

Fucking trolls.  We all know what they are.  They are the people who hide behind an imaginary screen name and make their shitty comments about anything from a child’s death to a new construction project.

Trolls are nothing new; when I was new to teh internets in 1998, on mIRC chat, there were trolls who would come into the chat rooms and “flood”… Are you guys old enough to remember that?

But nowadays, it’s SO harsh.  As I get older, I get less and less tolerant of people who don’t know when to shut their fucking mouth.

I try to participate on the internet and treat others as if they were in the same room as me.  If I wouldn’t say something to someone’s face, I sure as shit would never post it on the internet.  Point blank.  Sure, there is the obligatory vague Facebook status update, but I think that is different.

When you willfully and intentionally say things to hurt people, it makes you a dick.

You don’t go onto a posting about someone’s child being abducted from THEIR OWN back yard and talk trash about the parents’ ability to raise their children.

What if it was you?  What if your child was taken and hateful strangers had nothing better to do than to post awful jokes and Jeffrey Dahmer references?

OK, Shonda, calm down, if you don’t like it, don’t read it.

NO.  This is different.  This is hateful.  I consider this right up there with bullying.

Long story short… If you can’t play nice, I’m going to find a way to ground you from the fucking internet.

Oh and P.S. You might want to pick a new screen name… Big Dawg is SOOOO 1999 America Online cyber chat.  Asshole.

My sons will not stop arguing.

My middle son just got back from spending a weekend camping and came home with the holier than thou’s.

I’m sorry, Mr. Man, I forgot your red carpet and I forgot that we’re supposed to speak gently and use our indoor voices because you made the decision to stay up all weekend and now you’re tired and you’re crabby.

Really?!?!

I forgot that it’s me that’s getting up at 5:30 every morning on 4 – 5 hours’ sleep just so I can transport your ungrateful hindend to jazz band, which happens to start a full HOUR before regular school.  And of course this is after having to wake you up because god forbid you, oh I don’t know, actually get UP with your alarm clock.

Then I come home and repeat for your brothers.

I forgot that it’s me working my ass off every day under tremendous pressure only to get texts from you TELLING me what you’re going to do after school, rather than making sure it’s OK.

I forgot that it’s me driving 45 minutes home through gridlock traffic and dipshits, only to walk in the door and get “what’s for dinner, I have to be at this place in 15 minutes, no I don’t have any homework, no I have no idea why I have 6 missing assignments – It’s the teachers’ fault, I know I turned it in, by the way can I have 10 dollars?”

I forgot that it’s me doing your laundry, scrubbing the toilet when you can’t  aim properly, washing your dishes, putting the bag back in the garbage can because you can’t be bothered to do that either.

I forgot that it’s me that somehow manages to make it work.

I’m sorry I’m not perfect and I’m sorry you can’t be bothered to appreciate what I do and what I struggle with on a daily fucking basis.

Now go to your room.

I have seen too many parents who are forced to plan funerals for their children.

The thought is almost paralyzing to me; it terrifies me and makes me achingly sad.  The mere thought of something even happening to any of the kids – It’s too much.  It’s so sad, so scary.

I don’t know how they do it.  How do you pick out an outfit?  How do you clean their room?  I would close the door and never open it.  I can’t imagine having to dig down and find that strength.

I’m reminded of Cassie’s mom, Jackie.  I grew up with this family, they are the closest thing to aunt and cousins that I have.  We are closer than I am with some members of my own family.

When Cassie was in her accident, it was right in front of her parents’ house.  Aunt Jackie didn’t realize who it was, and when she heard the accident she said a prayer and continued with her breakfast… And then came the knock on the door.

Later that day, she comforted the rest of us – She was so stoic and strong and reassured us that we would find the strength to go on as well.  She held fast to her faith, God has a plan she said.  It was her faith that brought her through.

I don’t have faith like that.  I’m not sure what I have, but I do know I hope I am never forced to come to grips with it.  I don’t want to find out if I can be THAT strong.

I joke around with my friends often about changing my preferences.  Maybe like a 2-week boyfriend – Someone who shows up once every two weeks, pays attention to me, gives me some lovin’, and then goes away for 2 more weeks.  I’m only half joking, but really I can’t even get someone to be nice to me for one night so how the hell am I supposed to find someone to come back around?  LOL

So how are you?  How are the kids?  How’s work?  Your family?  Is your car holding up?

Not much has been going on.  I have tons I want to write about but I forget I have this thing half the time and then it’s like “shit”.  Sorry to those of you who have dropped by to see what’s going on (Is anyone out there anymore?)

I’ve developed a habit of watching jail shows and reading about the mob.  I always liked the prison shows like Lockup and stuff but they have come up with some more shows that profile the booking sections of local jails, like Las Vegas and stuff.  Some pretty interesting people come through there.  Jail and crime fascinate me; I wonder what types of personalities are out there and what might be going through their heads when they are misbehaving.

And then that got me thinking – Holy shit I’m seriously so non-committal that I don’t even have a TV schedule… you know what I mean, yes?  You know how most people have a certain show they follow and they have to cancel all plans on the night(s) those shows are on… Yeah I don’t have any of that.  If something is on that looks good, I watch it.  I’m not a Glee-tard.  I don’t watch American Idol.  Or Grey’s.  Nothing like that.  If it’s interesting, I stop and watch for a while.  If it’s not, I keep flipping channels.  But yet, I have DVR.  I think the extent of my DVR use is to back up the funny ass music montages on America’s Funniest Videos. 

Besides, it’s enough of a pain in the ass to work my schedule around 5 kids; sheesh, I can’t be bothered to know what was on last night.

LOL

Until next time…

I hope to fall in love.  I’m talking about giddy, facebook official, cuddling through the commercials, can’t stop thinking about you, Ell Oh Vee Ee.  Come on now, he’s got to be out there somewhere?

I have worked the personals sites.  I have asked friends for fixups.  I have “not looked for it”.  Where is he?

*Sigh*