Please Help

I’m coming out from under my shell to ask for help…

I don’t know Anissa personally but am a huge fan of her writing. 

Prayers, good ju-ju… send it all to her.

http://aiminglow.com/2009/11/hope-for-anissa/

 

Why We Break Up…

I’ve been asked more times than I can even count why Donald and I broke up.  Apparently because we get along and he’s a good father, it means we should be together and it doesn’t make sense that we aren’t.

It’s not that I didn’t love him.  It’s not that I didn’t think the world of him as a father.  It’s not that we didn’t have a good time together. 

All of these things are left in the dust when two people just can’t see eye to eye.  When two people spend more time fighting than making up.  When two people are as stubborn as Donald and I are.

You see, when two trains are barrelling toward each other on the same rail, they don’t meet, merge off together onto a conveniently located perpendicular track, having fabulous train sex on the rail, with hearts and flowers and baby raccoons to accompany them.  The trains explode into each other, in a fiery mess, full of destruction.  A hazmat team may or may not be necessary.

Donald and I are both far too stubborn and far too unwilling to bend.  We are the trains.  We are hard, fast, unrelenting.  A bad combination for two like minded individuals.

In a perfect world, we would be two trains, travelling on parallel tracks.  Their paths would bend and curve together.  When one train enters a tunnel, the other’s track would enter as well, and their light would come on to help. 

Still today, 7 years to the date that he left me, he still knows how to get me from zero to furious in about half a second.  And I know how to get him there as well. 

It’s too bad really.  But we can’t force ourselves to make a situation or relationship work.  No amount of pleading, irrational text messages at 4:00 in the morning, or threats of physical violence will make things different.  From my experience, the only thing that can make a bad relationship worse is the breakup.  They don’t call it a train wreck for nothing.

But then it gets better.  It slowly fixes itself, and becoming the person you know you are is refreshing. 

Long story short, we are conductors of our own trains.  We can build our own tracks.  Your train might be the strongest, hardest to obtain passage on, and the fastest.  But if you learn to maintain it properly, you can find your own Thomas the Train.

It’s Not Me, It’s You

So, I never claim to be the easiest person to get along with.  I get annoyed easily, I hold grudges for stupid stuff, and I’ll most likely laugh at you to your face if you fall down in my presence.  I make no apologies, this is who I am.

Generally speaking, I’m pretty even keeled and cool tempered, and usually have a smile on my face.  If I’m not smiling, it’s easy to get me to that point.  I’m not a total frigid bitch on wheels.  Unless of course I’m beHIND the wheel.  I have horrible road rage, not directed at anyone in particular.  I’m the best driver in the tri-state area; just don’ t expect me to know which way East is because I will mess it up every time.  Just hush about it and enjoy the “scenic route”.  Who told you that you could move your hand from my leg?  That’s better. 

Having said that, I thought I’d talk about some things that make me go from 0 to irritated in a short period of time (Let’s say 0.10 of a second)

~ Don’t cut me off.  Period.  This can be applied to many instances – Driving, speaking, eating, sex… Just don’t do it.  I think interrupting is very rude, and especially if someone is trying to make their point by talking OVER me, that just shows lack of consideration.  One way ticket to the top of the shit list.  Driving is self explanatory… Road rage is alive and well – Not in the literal form.  I would never pull someone over to fight them but I sure do talk a lot of shit when behind the wheel. 

~ Don’t tell me how to raise my kids.  This is a fine line, as it seems everyone and their brother has advice and has some golden magic rule that I’ve never heard of.  Bottom line – If you don’t know what you’re talking about, it’s best to hush up unless I directly ask you what you would do in a particular situation. 

~ Don’t disparage my musical taste.  I’m all over the board and I like bands you probably have never heard of, but that does not mean they suck or that I have bad taste in music.  I like literally everything and can sing along to more songs than most people even know exist.  I know what I’m talking about, be quiet and you might learn something.

~ I’m absolutely horrible at taking criticism.  This is a work in progress, however does not mean you need to break me in by insulting me or something about me every 5 seconds.  Knock it off and be nice.

~ If you are a grown up, eat like one.  I can’t STAND loud eaters.  People who slurp, chew loudly, pick their teeth, suck their gums, or worse, suck their fingers.  OMG.  You have to be kidding me, really.  This is probably #1 on my pet peeve list, honestly.  At least we know why there is back ground noise in restaurants – So we don’t have to listen to people eat.  I would rather listen to a CD of Creed, High School Musical, and Taylor Swift on repeat than to listen to other people make mouth noises. 

~ If  you receive good service, show appreciation.  Thank the waitress.  Tip her generously.  Perhaps even call the manager over and express your gratitude for the service you have received.  If you receive bad service, don’t be a prick about it.  Everyone has a bad day, and dealing with rotten customers probably even makes it worse for the service person.  Relax and know that you’re not the only person they deal with, and be sympathetic where applicable.  Sometimes having a relaxed, sympathetic customer is all this person needs to snap out of their funk.  This of course doesn’t give you carte blanche to be a door mat.  If the service sucks THAT bad, report the person. 

~ I guess I must not be as laid back as I thought.  More to come on this epiphany.

TGIF everyone!  =)

Singin’ In The Rain

I love that I have a 40 minute commute to and from work.  I enjoy having the time to myself, and having time to decompress.

I have over 50 hours of music in my Sansa clip mp3 player.  It’s no surprise that most days I arrive at work with my ears ringing.

This morning I was a a stoplight, about 5 minutes from work.  Ben Harper was serenading me with the cover to ‘In Your Eyes’… I was singing along, loudly, not caring who noticed the crazy girl at the corner.  I had my window down slightly.  I happened to look over, and the guy in the truck next to me was making the “roll down your window” motion.  I rolled down the window the rest of the way, and he said to me “I love that song!  Have a great day!”.

Indeed.

It’s A Perfect Kind Of Day…

On the way to the building this morning, the shuttle driver said ‘What a beautiful day.  I bet today is the perfect kind of day to have a crappy day’.

He couldn’t be more right.  I’m literally counting down the minutes to a meeting that will probably destroy my mood for the next day or so.  Goose Fraba – we have done everything we can at this point to avoid the worst, and unfortunately the worst has happened.  It’s out of our hands.

*Breathe*

So how have you been? 

I don’t have a boyfriend anymore.  I should just stop writing about boys here.  They always end up disappointing me.  I know the right one will come along one day and prove me wrong, but I haven’t met him yet so whatever. 

The kids and I are moved out of my brother’s house.  We have been in our new place for about 6 weeks now.  We love it, however do NOT love our neighbors.  Apartment living is definitely hard to get used to.  I can’t believe how inconsiderate some people are.  Between the loud music, constant stomping, and letting their heathen children run around screaming at all hours of the night… Oye. 

It has been very hard to get used to being a grown up again.  It’s all I could think about for the 6 months we lived with my brother, but now that it’s happened it’s almost like I’ve frozen.  Like I’ve forgotten what it is I’m supposed to be doing.  It took me almost a month before I was able to actually sit down and relax.  A month!! In my own place!!  It felt so weird.  My stuff doesn’t feel like mine.  I hate the second hand furniture I have.  I should note that I’m in no way ungrateful, I just hate it.  It’s not my microsuede fantastic furniture that I had to sell for nothing.  I miss my old furniture.  I’m counting down until tax time when I can buy a big fancy sectional.  If I make it that long!!

All in all, things are looking better though.  I am on the road to mental recovery.  I’ve not been sleeping through the night which is irritating, however once I start to relax and feel at home I should be fine.  Just a bump.

I love that I have two bathrooms.

I love that I have my own washer and dryer.

I love that I have my fat cat back.

I love that I have my own room, where I can close the door and breathe.

I love that the boys are back in their old school with their old friends.

I love that I am close to Jen and Elle again.

I love that I can cook dinner and not do the dishes immediately after everyone is done eating.

I love that I can go out at night after the boys go to bed and not feel like a bad person.

I’m almost me again!  I just can’t wait for the rest of me to show back up.

Landing…

I’m back, working on some things…

Stay tuned, children.

Rumbly In My Tumbly

Remember Winnie The Pooh?  What a big yellow dope.  I always thought he was selfish.  Hmph.

Don’t know why I all of a sudden resorted to insults of Pooh, perhaps I should have my cattiness evaluated.

Work Bully is in rare form today… I thought we were making progress but alas, HUGE bulls-eye right on my back.  Whatever makes her happy – I’m not going to let it bother me.  I’m here to do a job and that’s it.  I don’t have to like her and I don’t have to agree with her.  If she wants to be angry and mean all the time, who am I to stop her? 

The past couple of weeks have flown by.  There isn’t really anything new going aside from my fantastic boyfriend.  We are spending as much time together as we can, which is hard since I live with my brother and we live about a half hour away from each other.  Saturdays have worked out quite well, as well as quick visits during the week.  He’s all I can think about a lot of the time, which is terrifying.  (Just jump already, I don’t know what I am waiting for!!)

I think the boys’ dad has lost his job in some form.  If it’s anything like usual, he has quit.  I haven’t gotten child support in near a month now, which sucks.  Especially now.  I am making dirt.  I’m hoping that something just gives soon.  I’m tired of the constant struggle.  Yes, it makes me a better person but damn it.

From what Donald has said, later this year like in the fall, he plans on going out of state for work for about 6 months.  This would mean I would have the girls for about 6 months.  I enjoy time with them, but I am worried about the financial aspect of this.  Babysitter, extra food, oye.  I’m already panicking and nothing is even set in stone yet!!

I’m ready to be moved.  I had a little bit of money saved but I have an eye doctor appointment for the youngest boy tomorrow, and middle boy has a tooth bugging him so that will be a trip to the old dentist.  Joy!  It never ends, huh?

My book has stalled.  I haven’t had any real focus time since I moved so I have let it fall to the back burner.  Not to worry, I will pick it back up when I can, and work on editing and adding to it.   The completed chapters have names now, which is always a good thing.  It’s nice to see it coming together.  I only wish I could sit and think for 5 seconds without all these other thoughts flooding in.   Soon, I hope.

I have 3 more months to go to meet my move out goal of July 1.  I don’t see any reason why I can’t accomplish this goal as long as I keep my job and I keep everyone happy.  April is not going to be a stellar month for saving, as I have the wedding and bachelorette party coming up.  If I can make it through this month without having a complete breakdown it will be a miracle.  Especially now that I’m out another 400 dollars a month almost. 

I know it will all be OK.  I just want it to be OK right now.

More updates to come.

Hooray!

I’m giddy. I can’t stress this enough.

It seems like such a far cry from a couple of weeks ago when I was losing my mind. Thanks to a couple of very reassuring emails and pats on the back, I am much better.

The boy I met? He is my boyfriend now. *Squeak* I have not had a legitimate boyfriend since Donald and I broke up almost 7 years ago. I mean, I’ve dated people, and of course it has gone no where. But this is the first time in years anyone has given a shit enough to say “Hey, I like you, and I think I’d like to see where this goes”. Wow. That sounds mean. People LIKE me, of course. People want to hang out with me, of course. But no one has been boyfriend material. No one makes me feel like he does right now. I want to jump around and turn cartwheels.

So, like, this whole writing thing… I often wonder if I’m any good. I sit here and type, with no real focus in mind half the time. This blog is serving as a tool to vent and relieve many frustrations. If you look around you can find some posts where I made a valiant effort to SAY something rather than type something. Hopefully those have come across the way I intended them to. I just wonder if people read this and are like “who is she kidding” I stumble upon blogs all the time and am awed at the effort put into them. Sometimes the effort speaks to me in a positive matter; sometimes not. I guess I’m not too worried about it. It’s the internet after all, you can tell someone they suck, anonymously and with a screen name like “big boobs 1984” or something equally tacky.

But when it’s time to be serious about finishing and editing my book, I’m going to have a very hard time releasing it to public. On the internet it’s safe. It’s anonymous (Kind of). In the public it’s real. What if someone gets upset about something I have written and sends a death threat? What if someone in my life sues me because I put them in an unappealing light in my book? Do these things really happen? There are so many questions I would love to have answered, but not really anyone to answer them.

I guess I could hunt around online for a book writers’ support group of some sort, or some sort of message forum. I just thought about something funny – What if they all sit there in a panic, not clicking the “submit” button, because they are worried that their grammar isn’t perfect? Or more over, what if there are grammar Nazi’s on the forum that rather than get the desired point of a post, criticize it for spelling and punctuation. Oye. People HAVE to have something to pick on, yes?

I RSVP’d to an event held by a girl I went to high school with; I literally have not seen her in 16 years. She still looks pretty much the same; I’m looking forward to seeing her. I wonder if anyone else from high school will attend as well. These are the same people who used to make me nervous years ago so there isn’t really a reason to be nervous any more. I’m fabulous, right? *Sigh* so life goes on.

I’m still heading toward my financial goal, and still plugging away at work. I’m still going to the gym, and my pants are slightly baggier. I’m not noticing any significant changes but that is good because it’s supposed to be a gradual thing anyway. I just want to get healthier and if I can look better while doing it, sign me up. Aside from that, everything is pretty much the same. I miss my house and my cats. But I also know that I will have them back soon. Very soon; like less than 4 months soon!!

I’m so excited. I think this is really going to be a great year. Cheers.

My Pokemon Brings All The Dorks To The Yard…

I gave myself the worst paper cut ever this morning; it has been a long time since I’ve had a paper cut. I forgot what a nuisance they are.

Thought I would give a quick update just in case anyone is afraid that I’ve hurled myself in front of a bus or something. That’s definitely not the case, I am feeling much better but have decided to leave the last post up as a reminder to myself that I am human and that I am allowed to have bad days.

Things are super busy. I got my van fixed, hooray!! I picked it up last Friday, and am thrilled. I have already taken it to the mechanic for a quick check up as my power steering was whining. It turned out to just be some air in the line and it was quickly fixed. Hooray again!

I’m broke again for about the next month at least. Shoot who am I kidding – I’m broke for like EVER. I have Jen’s bachelorette party coming up, Youngest Boy needs some glasses, and I need to have brakes done… the list goes on and on. PLUS I need to be putting money away like crazy. Hopefully I will be able to save aggressively in the end of April, continuing into May and June so I can meet my original goal of moving out July 1^st.

This band aid makes it hard to type.

And I have some news on the dating front… I met a boy. *giggle* actually I met him at the goading of my co-worker, who is his best friend. I’m not going to talk about it here, but let’s just say he is totally unlike anyone I have ever met. And that is a good thing.

The boys are becoming a struggle; Middle Boy is acting out a little bit and attempting to get some attention. He’s not getting the kind of attention he wants, so hopefully this phase ends swiftly. Oldest Boy is being a general slacker, so he has been grounded. He is not happy about this, but at this point I could give a shit less. He has been pushing boundaries and he has not been receptive to all the opportunities I have presented him. So he is shit out of luck pretty much. He does not like being grounded, but I don’t like having to play the bad guy either. He is much smarter than he is acting right now. Youngest Boy is not giving me school information when I need it. Other than that he is just spending his time annoying his brothers and cousins. He does a very good job at that; he is pretty immature. But overall I guess things could be worse. No one is pregnant or has wiener lice. LOL

I am still submitting my resume and information to other jobs, just to cover my back in case my contract doesn’t get extended here. I am nervous about the state of the economy and how long it would take me to find another job if I get let go from here. I have tons of experience but no Bachelor’s Degree. That is holding me back from a lot of the positions I feel I would be really good at, which sucks. But I shall remain optimistic and hope that things will turn out for the best. I don’t have a work bully anymore, I think I might have mentioned it before but it bears mentioning again. The work bully has actually ended up being an advocate and helper for me. What a great resource she is. She has tons of experience and is super smart.

How sad is this Jade Goody story? I had to quit reading about it yesterday because it is just too depressing to even think about. In case you aren’t familiar with it – Jade Goody is a British celebrity, from the UK version of Big Brother. She was one of those people you either loved or hated. And adorable. Well, she is 27 and dying of terminal cancer. She has decided to have the last weeks of her life documented and filmed, in order to provide a living for the children she is leaving behind. How exhaustingly depressing her story is. I could not imagine knowing full well that I only have a small amount of time left to live, and I could not imagine having the strength to prepare and make sure my kids are taken care of. How gut wrenchingly sad. It’s not been an easy journey for her, either. She is very motivational to me.

So just to recap – still here, still focused on the end goal, and every day is getting better.

Dishpan Hands?

I’m supposed to be doing dishes every night after dinner but Sis-In-Law is doing them right now… wonder if I am just too slow or being over sensitive. 

Today I am having another bad day, brought upon by a series of events out of my control. 

I actually just found out that my kids have it pretty easy and they need to do more.  So I guess that solves the wondering about dishes question. 

I hate this feeling.  I hate feeling that I am not doing enough but am in the way at the same time.  I hate feeling so alone but so overstimulated.  Again with the lump in my throat… I thought this was done.

Last week Monday the engine blew up in my van.  I’m totally stranded and reliant on everyone more than ever right now.  I feel like a damn loser, like I can’t take care of myself.  Top it off with the fact that the lady who was fostering my cats abandoned them in a house with no heat.  Last night I had to go rescue them and bring them to the lovely Ms. C’s house.  Hopefully they will be happy there and able to NOT be abandoned.  The poor things have been through enough in the past few weeks.  That is weighing heavy on my mind as well.  They are like my kids.  I can’t just ignore what is going on with them.

I can’t stop crying.

I feel helpless.  I feel like giving up and telling everyone “OK, you win.  You are right.  I AM the loser you always thought”.  What am I supposed to do? 

I need to call the mechanic in the morning and find out when he will have my van done, so that uncertainty will be over.  I need to then make a plan of attack.  I’m going to have a nervous breakdown.  I don’t even feel like myself anymore.  I’m exhausted, I’m hyper, I’m bitchy, I’m passive, I’m sad, I’m ungrateful, I’m uncertain… I’m tired.

I can’t be the only person in the world who has ever been sad and defeated.  I need to figure out how to get over this.  It’s been almost 2 months.  I have not been able to shake this feeling. 

It’s like the whole rest of the world is going on around me, and I’m here in a bubble.  Screaming and flailing my arms.  Although I doubt anyone can see or hear me.  Like I’m not even here.  But at the same time everyone can see me and tells me what I am doing wrong.

I’m still crying.

I have to launch a pretty aggressive financial goal in order to get out of here on target. 

I’m not sure what I should be doing.  I do know that I need to stop crying, and I need to realize what I do have. 

For the first time in my life, I am honestly lost.  I need to find my trail of breadcrumbs and get my act back together.

This is just a setback.  This too shall pass.  What doesn’t kill me will make me stronger. 

I have to get over this, at least for my kids.  It’s not good for them to see me like this.  I actually cried tonight in front of them.  I just couldn’t stop.  Folding laundry, I cried.  Hanging up my clothes, putting socks in baskets.   And I still can’t stop.

There has to be something I can do.  There has to be some way I can turn this around, something I can grab and hold onto.  My saving grace.  Where is it?

Damnit.  This isn’t like me.  It’s not like me to lose myself like this.  It’s scary, and too real. 

Who knows – Maybe I’ll have an opportunity soon to delete this post… I can hold out hope.